Santa`s parrot has the habit of jumping on hens, so Santa tells him that if he does it again he will pull out every feather on its head. The parrot jumps on the hens again, and his head feathers are all pulled out. Meanwhile Jeeto, Santa`s wife, who has pretentions to culture, is having a formal dinner. She appoints the parrot to be butler and to tell the guests where to put their hats and coats. The party proceeds without mishap, with the parrot announcing, "Ladies to the right! Gentlemen to the left!" Suddenly, two bald-headed men enter, and the parrot says, "You two chicken-fuckers come out in the hen house with me."
Who is the Gorillas' favourite playwright?
Eugene O'Neill - who wrote 'The Hairy Ape!'
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why ! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words : Psycho-the-rapist.
Knock Knock Who's there! Bud! Bud who? Budweiser, the King of Beers!
What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table.
Q: God gave you 2 legs to walk, 2 hands to to hold, 2 ears to hear, 2 eyes to see- but why did He give you only one heart? A: Because He gave the other one to someone for you to find
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
First Caribou: What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind?
Second Caribou: A maybee.
Q: Can you do anything that other people can't? A: Sure, I can read my handwriting.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Santa had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Santa to pull over. When Santa did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Santa, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to Santa's car and cut up his leather seats. When he turned around, Santa had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at Santa, he has a smile on his face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now Santa's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on her car and sets it on fired. He turns around and Santa is laughing so hard he is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. Santa replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!"
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!"The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "
There was a woman who loves big breasts so she went to her doctor, Dr. Banta and questioned him about implants. Banta explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ``Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.`` She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ``Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies``. Santa, standing next to her says, ``You go to Dr. Banta?`` ``Yes, but...`` she said, ``how did you know?`` He replies ``Hickory dickory dock, give me..!``
What do rednecks do on Halloween?
Pump-kin!
What's black, hairy, and writes under water?
A ball-point gorilla!
What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat? A harebrush.
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.
V."He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk."Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede."Did you do this?" he asked the centipede."Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?""I was putting on my shoes."
Knock Knock Who's there! Amour! Amour who? Amour you eat, the more you want!
A couple that just met in a singles bar is having sex. The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?" He replies, "No." She responds, "Oh, thank goodness, I don't want to get that again"
What do you call an armless, legless leper in a swimming pool? Bob
Q: Why does a blonde only change diaper on her baby once a month? A: Because it says good for up to 20 pounds
Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me You sound reasonable...
Time to up my medication I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?""No," the second guy says."Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says."Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?""See what?" the second guy asks."Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.""Oh."A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
What do you get if you cross a student and an alien ? Something from another universe -ity !
Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?
72 year old man has a physical exam. Dr. says, "You re in amazingly good health -- there s not a thing wrong with you. How old was your father when he died?" The man says, "Did I say my father was dead? He s 91 years old and in perfect health." Dr: "That s incredible. Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" Man: "Did I say my grandfather was dead? He s 108 and in great shape. In fact he got married last month." Dr: "Amazing. But what would possess a man 108 years old to want to get married?" Man: "Did I say he wanted to get married?"
What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn? Where's Pop Corn?
Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist? Because they fought both tooth and nail!
One day a guy and a girl were making out in the guy's car in the girl's driveway. They began to get pretty hot and heavy when the guy reached into his pants and placed his cock in her hand.
She froze, jumped up and said, "I've got two words for you, DROP DEAD!"Then he said, "I've got two words for you, LET GO!".
A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm."Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!""Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.
Have you heard about the new Mechanical Whore? -She gives a licking and keeps on ticking.
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
Where do you usually find dogs?
It all depends on where you lose them.
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Exactly five hundred.1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.21 to flame the spell checkers.49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs? Criminal: Why? You look good in short sleeves.
If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Part II?