I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out,"What was all that about?"He replied,"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
Q. What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A. Wave at her.
What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen? That's the proper place to wash vegetables.
Q: Where do you look for blonde's obituaries? A: Under "Home Improvements."
Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A:Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Q:Once there was the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Easter bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde they were walking down the road when they saw a $100 dollars bill who gets it? ? A: No one the first four dont exsist and the other blonde thought it was a gumwraper!
you might be a red neck if you think the last words to the star spangled banner is "gentlemen start your engines"
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A: A thought.
Buying A BullTwo sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need topurchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide tobuy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decidesshe does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599,no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send hersister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send atelegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out hereso we can haul it home."The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, thenadds, "It's just 99 cents a word."Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. Sherealizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you tosend her the word, 'comfortable.'"The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to knowthat you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and driveout here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable'?"The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.""She'll read it very slow."
What do you call a blonde standing between two brunettes? A mental block!
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"
Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? A: Siamese twins.
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?""Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?""Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man. The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"Mary Jane laughed and laughed! She knew that the shark was never going tohelp that man!
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M; shells all over the kitchen floor.
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.
Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.
Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that.""Comfortable?" the guy questions."Yes, you see she reads slow."
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school? A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Manuever.
TO: BossFROM: BlondieRE: Changing Calendars from Y2K I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: JanuarkFebruarkMakJulkI also changed all the days of each week to: SundakMondakTuesdakWednesdakThursdakFridakSaturdak We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak! ! !
And more on blondes...
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill? A: Wishful Thinking.
Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing? Because the runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed? A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense? A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought -- I can't figure out how to get started."Her friend asks, "What's the puzzle of?""From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger," replied the blonde.
The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says, "I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box.""Why not?" asks the disappointed blonde."Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle... what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes."
What do you call three blondes on Santa's Lap? Ho Ho HoSent by Adam
A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV - it's a microwave."
What do you call a blonde lesbian? A waste.
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.
There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.
One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two. After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead."There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette."No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.
Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?""What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all stuck on a deserted island together. The island is 20 miles from the nearest inhabited island so they all decide to try to swim there. The redhead makes it 10 miles, is exhausted, gives up, and drowns. The brunette makes it 15 miles before she's too tired to go any farther and drowns. The blonde gets 19 miles away from the deserted island, decides she's too tired to go any farther, and swims all the way back to the deserted island.