Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: That's the banjo player's porsche.
What's the definition of a good actor? Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.
What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio ? Collie-wood !
A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one more, guys, I promise.
Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt. "Superman don't need no seat belt," Ali growled. "Well, Superman," the stewardess replied, "don't need no airplane!"
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? A: They make good paddles.
What sort of animals make the best TV presenters ? Gnus - readers !
Q: How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
Experts say that although Frank Sinatra is dead, his act is still 150% moreentertaining than Frank Sinatra Jr.'s.
Knock KnockWho's there ! Bach ! Bach who ? Bach to work!
Why did they arrest the musician? He got into treble.
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.
Q. test? A. Drool.
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? A: You can't!
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God isboth male and female."This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?""Well, God is both black and white."This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,"Honey, God is both gay and straight."At this Little Johnny? s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons? A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.
Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV? Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me? Neighbour: Off.
Q: How many over eager PA's does it take to screw in a li...
A: Done!
Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song.
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? A: By their names.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, "May I please see your permit?" I don't have one," confessed the musician. "In that case, you'll have to accompany me.""Splendid!" exclaimed the musician. "What shall we sing?"
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is."Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground."What are those? , asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger."Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman."They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger."Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"
Iraqi TV Guide MONDAY8:00 Husseinfeld8:30 Mad About Everything9:00 Suddenly Sanctions9:30 Allah McBealTUESDAY8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution BloopersWEDNESDAY8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy9:00 Just Shoot Me9:30 VeilwatchTHURSDAY8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses9:30 My Two BaghdadsFRIDAY8:00 Judge Saddam8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things9:00 Achmed's Creek9:30 No-witness News
I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if,after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
What is musical and handy in the supermarket. A Chopin Lizst.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
Q: How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: November.
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he's Haydn!
Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
What is an Actor? A man who tries to be everything but himself
Knock KnockWho's there ! Bass ! Bass who ? Bass the salt and pepper please !
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage? A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.
Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.