A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. "And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked."I don't know," the student said."Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor."That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
Why aren't you doing very well in history? Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!
Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine!
Fred: I've added these figures ten times. Teacher: Good work! Fred: And here are my ten answers !
Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ? Pupil: There it is Teacher: Now, Louise, who discovered Australia ? Pupil: Fred did !
How many Buckeye football players does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But he gets three hours credit.
The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents. The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"
Arvil was coming out of the Texas University student building when he was stopped by two coeds. "Would you like to become a Jehovah's Witness?" asked one of the girls. "No, I really couldn't. I didn't see the accident."
Usually a student is blamed if she/he fails to secure pass marks. But we, students, sometimes think that it is not the fault of a student if one fails because a year has only 365 days. Sunday - 52 Sundays in a year (they are meant for rest and watching TV) the remaining days are 313. Summer Holidays - 60 days (weather is so hot and it`s difficult to study). Eight hours of daily sleep, which means 122 days in a year what is left is 131 days. An hour, daily for conversation (man is a social being) which means 15 days. The rest are 116. Two hours every day for food and other delicacies, which means 30 days, leaving only 86. One hour for playing and other work everyday that means 15 days. The balance ? Well 71. Examination days, per year, at least 21 days . The leftover are 50. Winter vacation, festivals, parties, picnics and other holidays - 40 days What remains are 10 days. For sickness, at least 6 days. The rest 4 days - movies at least three days. The remainder is one day. Only one day left for annual days. So will our teachers kindly tell us when to study so as to fare well in exams?
Mrs. McKenzie was showing Corbett, the contractor, through the second floor of her new house to show him what colors to paint the rooms. "I'd like the bathroom done in white!" Corbett walked over to the window and shouted, "Green up! Green up!" "I want the bedroom in blue!" continued the woman. The contractor listened and yelled out the window, "Green up! Green up!" "The halls should be done in beige!" she instructed. Again, the man barked out the window, "Green up! Green up!" "Will you stop that? !" shouted the woman. "Every time I give you a color, all you do is shout 'Green up! ' What the devil does that mean?" 'Tm real sorry, ma'am!" explained Corbett. "But I got three Oklahoma basketball players down there tryin' to put in the front lawn!"
Father: You were absent on the day of the test? Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
The brain is a wonder ful thingWhy do you say that ? Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class !
What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem.
What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape? A retarded ape.
Did you hear about the University of Miami fullback who stayed up all night studying for his urine test?
No $Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you wouldlike, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even anhoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NObletask, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Teaching The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please? Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!
Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day? Pupil: The school bus!
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants.
New University Promos It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they just aren't getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash, unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle of 'Sesame Street' episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN! ! ! COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA! ! ! HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD! ! ! PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON! ! ! PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN! ! ! CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape! ! ! DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH! ! ! M.
I.
T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math and more math! COME TO M.
I.
T.! ! ! PLEASE ! ! ! BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your ass from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of 'da weed' with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC! ! ! SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE! ! !
Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school
Three students from Michigan State, the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, "Do you have any final words, son?" "Yeah, drop dead!" snapped the Wolverine. Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out. The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in astonishment, the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches from the victim's throat. "It's God's will! Let him go!" cried the judge. Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on the block, and the judge asked again, "And what are your final remarks, my boy?" "Go to hell!" shouted the student, and the judge signaled. The razor-sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just a quarter inch from the condemned boy's neck. "It's the wi ll of God!" exclaimed the judge. "Set him free!" Finally the Texan was put into position. "Before you're beheaded," said the judge, "do you have any last words?" "Yeh!" replied the Aggie. "If y'all will just put a little more grease on them grooves, the blade'll come down a whole lot easier!"
Soderling, the star college halfback, was taking a math exam. The coach desperately needed him to play in the Syracuse game on Saturday, so the professor agreed to give him an oral exam. "All right," said the prof. "How many degrees are there in a circle?" "Uh, depends," said the boy. "How big is that there circle?"
How do you know a Brigham Young student's been mowing the lawn? The welcome mat is destroyed.
Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking through the campus. "Do you consider a 1441.
Q. high?" "Yes!" "For the whole basketball team?"
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test! Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
An ideal homework excuseTeacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away
Teacher: Give me three reasons why the world is roundPupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !
Teacher: What's 2 and 2? Pupil: 4Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good? , that's perfect!
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Teacher: Name two pronouns ? Pupil: Who ? , me ?
College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them and sometimes with good reason. "What kind of pie do you call this?" asked one student indignantly."What's it taste like?" asked the cook.""Glue!""Then it's apple pie the plum pie tastes like soap."
Teacher : What are you doing, crawling into school ten minutes late ? Pupil : Well you told me never to walk into school ten minutes late !
Teacher: In music, if "f" means "forte", what does "ff" mean ? Pupil: Eighty
Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that? Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !
Letter from Daughter to Parents Dear Mother and Dad:It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remissin writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not havingwritten before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and theconcussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when itcaught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only getthose sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendantat the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the firedepartment and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and sinceI had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enoughto invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply inlove and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, butit will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forwardto being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it thelove, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reasonfor the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infectionwhich prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelesslycaught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injectionsI am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind andalthough not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a differentrace and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will notpermit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darkerthan ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background isgood too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in thevillage in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there wasno dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I wasnot in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not havesyphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am gettinga 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marksin the proper perspective.
Yours- Your Loving Daughter
"Now my motto in life," said the school chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?""My motto is let bygones be bygones.""That's good. Why did you choose that?""Then I wouldn't have to take any history classes!"