Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?
Teacher : What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air ? Pupil : It's stolen !
Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ? Pupil: Well, yes, he borrowed my pen !
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl."Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl."No.""I'm the principal's daughter.""And do you know who I am?" asked the boy."No," she replied."Thank goodness!"
Q: What did one math book say to the other? A: Man I got a lot of problems!
Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class ? Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips !
Teacher : In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question.
Pupil : How long for the answer sir !
A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan? Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten minutes to answer.
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Apre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn thisstuff?""To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physicssave lives?" he persisted."It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?"Why does it work?"What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?"How does it work?"What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?"How much will it cost?"What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?"Do you want fries with that?"
What was King Arthur's favourite game? Knights and crosses!
Rabbit's Ph.
D. Thesis: A Parable for Graduate StudentsScene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outsidehis burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
Fox: "What are you working on?"Rabbit: "My thesis."Fox: "Hmmm. What's it about?"Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."(incredulous pause)Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."Rabbit: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, therabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.
Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf: "What's that you're writing?"Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."(loud guffaws)Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbitreturns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth. (The End) Moral: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.
Why was the headmaster worried? Because there were too many rulers in school!
Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had
Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won't freeze ? Pupil: Hot water !
Teacher: Are you good at math ? Pupil: Yes and noTeacher: What do you mean ? Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math !
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"
Bonkistry Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion yearsby Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately knownas "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it pasthim to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there werethese two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on allof the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into thefinal they had a solid A.
These two friends were so confident going into the final that theweekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday),they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangoversand everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back toDuke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then,what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain tohim why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVafor the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but thatthey had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare andcouldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back tocampus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make upthe final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time thatBonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each ofthem a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the firstproblem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and wasworth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." Theydid that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared,however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?
TEACHER: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is the difference? Stella: That's what I say, what's the difference`?
The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."
Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ? Pupil: All of them !
Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river? Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!
What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Be sure that you go straight home after schoolI can't, I live just round the corner !
Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning ? About an hour and a half after I arrived at school
If I had five coconuts and I gave you three, how many would I have left ? I don't know.
Why not ? In our school we do all our arithmetic in apples and oranges.
Teacher : Why are you the only child in the classroom today ? Pupil : Because I was the only one who didn't have school dinners yesterday !
How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
A survey was being taken on the University of Arizona campus. The survey taker asked a soccer player, "What do you think of bilingualism?" "Oh, I think it's okay," said the boy, "if it's between consenting adults."
Science teacher: What happened when electricity was first discovered? Fred: Someone got a nasty shock.
Are You About to Employ a Robot? This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB PsychologyDepartment. It is intended to be used by companies that arerecruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether anapplicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or aLiberal Arts major. Tear off here, and administer test below to students ---------------------------------- Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____ 0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____ 0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee3. On weekends, I go to _____ 0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 104. My favorite hobby is _____ 0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing5. I have taken ______ English classes. 0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto106. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2? 0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer7. What have you learned in school that you value the most? 0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis8. In between classes, I like to _____ 0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____ 0) My manual typewriter 1) The school's word processor 2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____ 0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals11. The best use of a computer is _____ 0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____ 0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out13. What part of speech is "interface"? 0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data14. What do you consider to be paradise? 0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators15. What type of music do you like? 0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise16. What is your favorite game? 0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races17. My favorite Movie show is _____ 0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____ 0) Write it on my arm 1) Derive it during test 2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks19. The person I marry must have_____ 0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port20. What I fear the most is _____ 0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water--------------------------------Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look atthe following table.00-14 Liberal Arts15-20 Vulcan/Math Major21-40 Robot! ! !
What do they call a bunch of Mississippi football players standing in a circle holding hands? A dope ring.
What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? A dead school bus!
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?""Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.
They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing? Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
Teacher : Why are you reading the last pages of your history book first ? Pupil: I want to know how it ends !
An ideal homework excuseTeacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine