Teacher: What is the formula for water ? George: H,
I,
J,
K,
L,
M,
N,
O Teacher: Is that the formula I gave you ? George: Sure, you said H to O !
Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated? Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile! Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland! Pupil: A reindeerTeacher: Good, now name another.
Class: Another reindeer!
Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection ? Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!
Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teachersingled him out."If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary,$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?""An orgy," Johnny answered.
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow? Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
Teacher: You're new here aren't you, what's your name? Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class ? Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips !
Are You About to Employ a Robot? This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB PsychologyDepartment. It is intended to be used by companies that arerecruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether anapplicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or aLiberal Arts major. Tear off here, and administer test below to students ---------------------------------- Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____ 0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____ 0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee3. On weekends, I go to _____ 0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 104. My favorite hobby is _____ 0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing5. I have taken ______ English classes. 0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto106. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2? 0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer7. What have you learned in school that you value the most? 0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis8. In between classes, I like to _____ 0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____ 0) My manual typewriter 1) The school's word processor 2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____ 0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals11. The best use of a computer is _____ 0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____ 0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out13. What part of speech is "interface"? 0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data14. What do you consider to be paradise? 0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators15. What type of music do you like? 0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise16. What is your favorite game? 0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races17. My favorite Movie show is _____ 0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____ 0) Write it on my arm 1) Derive it during test 2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks19. The person I marry must have_____ 0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port20. What I fear the most is _____ 0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water--------------------------------Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look atthe following table.00-14 Liberal Arts15-20 Vulcan/Math Major21-40 Robot! ! !
A survey was being taken on the University of Arizona campus. The survey taker asked a soccer player, "What do you think of bilingualism?" "Oh, I think it's okay," said the boy, "if it's between consenting adults."
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "No where. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"
Mother: How was your first day at school? Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing? Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year ? Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!
Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking through the campus. "Do you consider a 1441.
Q. high?" "Yes!" "For the whole basketball team?"
Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to? Pupil: Nobody I know!
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!
Be sure that you go straight home after schoolI can't, I live just round the corner !
"Now my motto in life," said the school chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?""My motto is let bygones be bygones.""That's good. Why did you choose that?""Then I wouldn't have to take any history classes!"
Teacher : Tommy you try my patience ! Tommy: No, teacher you had better try mine. There's more of it !
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Biddle and Payne, two elderly English professors, were having lunch in the cafeteria. During the course of the conversation, Biddle said,"A student gave me a peculiar answer in class today. I asked who wrote the Merchant of Venice and a sophomore said, "Please, sir, it wasn't me!" "Ha, ha!" laughed Payne. "And I suppose the little snot had done it all along!"
The College Food Chain THE DEANLeaps tall buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a locomotiveIs faster than a speeding bulletWalks on waterGives policy to GodTHE DEPARTMENT HEADLeaps short buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a switch engineIs just as fast as a speeding bulletTalks with GodPROFESSORLeaps short buildings with a running start and favorable windsIs almost as powerful as a switch engineIs faster than a speeding BBWalks on water in an indoor swimming poolTalks with God if a special request is honoredASSOCIATE PROFESSORBarely clears a quonset hutLoses tug of war with a locomotiveCan fire a speeding bulletSwims wellIs occassionally addressed by GodASSISTANT PROFESSORMakes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildingsIs run over by locomotivesCan sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injuryTreads waterTalks to animalsINSTRUCTORClimbs walls continuallyRides the railsPlays Russian RouletteWalks on thin icePrays a lotGRADUATE STUDENTRuns into buildingsRecognizes locomotives two out of three timesIs not issued ammunitionCan stay afloat with a life jacketTalks to wallsUNDERGRADUATE STUDENTFalls over doorstep when trying to enter buildingsSays "Look at the choo-choo"Wets himself with a water pistolPlays in mud puddlesMumbles to himselfDEPARTMENT SECRETARYLifts buildings and walks under themKicks locomotives off the tracksCatches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats themFreezes water with a single glanceShe IS God.
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky)."And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.""Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?""Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
New University Promos It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they just aren't getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash, unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle of 'Sesame Street' episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN! ! ! COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA! ! ! HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD! ! ! PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON! ! ! PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN! ! ! CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape! ! ! DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH! ! ! M.
I.
T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math and more math! COME TO M.
I.
T.! ! ! PLEASE ! ! ! BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your ass from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of 'da weed' with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC! ! ! SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE! ! !
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?""Uhh, oh yeah, O.
K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?""Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him.""That's $1020! ! !" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy? ? ?""Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
Pupil: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making ? Dad: Why is that, what are you making ? Pupil: Mistakes !
Tipton and Baldwin shared a room on the North Carolina campus. One day Tipton came in and said to his roommate, "I hear there's a new case of herpes in the dorm." "Great!" said Baldwin. "I was getting tired of 7-Up!"
What do they call a bunch of Mississippi football players standing in a circle holding hands? A dope ring.
Fred: I've added these figures ten times. Teacher: Good work! Fred: And here are my ten answers !
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
No $Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you wouldlike, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even anhoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NObletask, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl."Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl."No.""I'm the principal's daughter.""And do you know who I am?" asked the boy."No," she replied."Thank goodness!"
Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"
The teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on counting. Jackie got things started by counting from 1 to 10. "Now, Fred," said the teacher, "you take over, beginning with 11.""11, 14, 23, 42, 26," said Fred."What kind of counting is that'?" asked the teacher"Who's counting'?" replied Fred. "I'm calling signals."
Did you hear what happened when there was an epidemic of laryngitis at school? The school nurse sent everyone to the croakroom.
Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you? Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!
Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read Shakespeare ? Pupil: No Teacher: What have you read then ? Pupil: Umm, I've got red hair !
Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were.
Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!