A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number -- room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them
What's the definition of AIDS? Anally Injected Death Sentence.
You know how they use to give immigrants a test when they came to America? Well the last question on the test was to use pink, green and yellow in a sentence. So when the Mexican had his turn he answered the last question: "When the phone goes 'GREEN GREEN GREEN' I PINK it up and say 'YELLOW? '"
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.1. Two words: catapulting teacups.
Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
..... Ya see, we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier! What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software? ! ?
How do faggots get a condom off? They fart.
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed2. All polar bears are left-handed3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles3. Work stuffs up your eyesight1. All dogs are animals2. All cats are animals3. Therefore, all dogs are cats1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant
My computer broke down. It crashed and burned! And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind. It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find! ! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc. The cashier in electronics was staring at me.
But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find. I drew a crowd as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL! ! I got to have my fix! ! Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, "We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!" Security rushed over. Not long did he stall. Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door! Then he looked at me and said, "Don't come round here no more!"I feel so embarrassed! ! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go? So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction. Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!
What did one gay sperm say to the other? - I can't find my way through all this shit.
The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:1. No Y2K problems.2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a new document? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ? A: Don't shake it.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster,which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics 1.
You can't win. 2.
You can't break even. 3.
You can't quit the game.
New scientific thoeries1st RunnerUp- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in aninfinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number ofshotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they willeventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
If Microsoft Ran The IRS "Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise). -- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May. -- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements. -- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property. -- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices. -- When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form. -- Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported. -- The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number. -- After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication. -- The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed. -- Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice. -- The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.
Customer: "Wait, that password looks really gray. I'm going to type it in again."
In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.
And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless--since Windows could replace it. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered--I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to! And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. General Protection Fault
You know you have been on the computer too long when...
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,
A,
B,
C,
D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors....
You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a ', and continue writing on the next line.
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
When do computers go to sleep? When it's internight.
Theorem: n=n+1Proof:(n+1)^2 = n^2 + 2*n + 1Bring 2n+1 to the left:(n+1)^2 - (2n+1) = n^2Substract n(2n+1) from both sides and factoring, we have:(n+1)^2 - (n+1)(2n+1) = n^2 - n(2n+1)Adding 1/4(2n+1)^2 to both sides yields:(n+1)^2 - (n+1)(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2 = n^2 - n(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2This may be written:[ (n+1) - 1/2(2n+1) ]^2 = [ n - 1/2(2n+1) ]^2Taking the square roots of both sides:(n+1) - 1/2(2n+1) = n - 1/2(2n+1)Add 1/2(2n+1) to both sides:n+1 = n
A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room and the straight guy has his shirt unbuttoned exposing a heavy coat of chest hair. The gay asked how he came to have so much hair on his chest. He said, "I put Vaselineon it every night." That night the gay put Vaseline on his chest and went to bed. His partner George said, "What in the hell is that?" "It's to grow hair." he replied. "Bull shit!" said George. "If Vaseline grew hair...
I'd have tail a mile long!
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:1. A "Don't remind me again" button.2. Minimize button.3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
Bug warningWife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
More gay banter...
Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they starteddiscussing them.
The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owneda factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave hisbest friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well.
He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
The third man said his was doing well too.
He was a manager at a bank.
Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.
The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much.
But he must be doing something right because,just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!
A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"This catches the Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the firs t question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer. Now, it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Programmer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.
This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging." "Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.
Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a choice of computers to use.
Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the one we've got or don't use any at all.
Where is the best place to buy computer software? Washington C.
D
Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.
Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? Abbott: Yes, that's correct.
Costello: No, what is it? Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So, which is the one? Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Costello: Stop this. Who are you? Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.
Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code? Abbott: Use 'what'.
Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true? Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Costello: Which one? Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it? Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.
Costello: I want to find the revision code.
Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.
Costello: Which command will do what I need? Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.
Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Costello: Write what? Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Costello: Cut that out! Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.
Costello: Do you always do this? Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Costello: HELP! Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Costello: You make me angry.
Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.
Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.
Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now! Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?
A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami."Would you like it sliced, sir?" the shopkeeper asked politely."What do you think I am?" replied the fag, "...a money box!"
Why do computer teachers never get sick? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
- Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer? - Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...
THANK YOUThank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found outfrom you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting thearse out of 40-gallon drum.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infectedwith a disease.
I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped usingdeodorant because you said it causes cancer.
I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes haveto walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone mightdrug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will askme to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill withcalls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they arenothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers thatare bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell theirwares.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I wouldget sick from the rat faeces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
However, the police are also after me at present because you said notto pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation ofthe $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when Iparticipated in their special e-mail program.
It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, andneither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I ampositive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot tofollow and I got a curse.
Which kind of ink do you put in your computer's printer? Black, Red or Iced? Iced Ink? Well, yes you do, but I didn't want to mention it.