Married life is full of excitement and frustration:* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married! There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Little Johnny A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "what do you think?"
One April Fools Day, when I was about 15 or 16, I told my mom I was pregnant. It was really funny to see her reaction, but I got in major trouble when I told her I was joking. Some people just don't appreciate a good joke...
A math student who used to come to the university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle. "Where did you get the bike from?" his friends want to know. "It's a `thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. But the story is kind of weird..." "Tell us!" "Well", he starts, "yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she had passed her math final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when I had let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed, smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me whatever you desire! '" One of his friends remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle." "Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how silly you would have looked in a girl's clothes - and they wouldn't have fit you anyway!"
Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street."Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse". "Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week".
Why are women such bad drivers? Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.
Yo mama is so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
How does a Russian commit suicide? He smells his armpit How does an American commit suicide? He tells this joke to a Russian.
A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed byand the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix." The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you,little girl?" "I'm eight, sir." "Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?" "Since I was raped, sir, when I was four." "RAPED? ! And who raped you, little girl?" "I don't remember, I was drunk."
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determinedto track down the father to extract revenge."Was it my friend Sam", he demanded."No !" his weeping wife replied."Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked."NO ! ! !" she said even more upset."Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked."Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu, sir? Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal."See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
Conductor, do you stop at the Savoy Hotel? I should say not, on my salary!
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?""Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. YOUR LOVING HUSBAND P.
S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up insuch a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?" Sent by Yasha
Who said "Shiver me timbers!" on the ghost ship? The skeleton crew.
What happened to Frankenstein's monster on the road? He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled for six months.
Mr. Goldfarb was walking down the street. In each arm he carried a bag. He ran into Mr. Klein. Mr. Klein asked, "What are those bags for?""I'm collecting for Israel", said Mr. Goldfarb."You need two bags?", asked Mr. Klein."I've got a system, said Mr. Goldfarb. It's fantastic. I go into the men's room. I pull out a knife and hold it up. Then I say, 'Give for Israel or get a circumcision.' It works. I have forty thousand dollars in this bag."What do you have in the other bag?", inquired Mr. Klein."Oh, well, not everybody gives."
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that.""Really? ? ? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? -They boo-kle their seatbelts
What do you call a villager with 500 girlfriends? A shepherd.
A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks tohis wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take tosay "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine, will never be able to support you.
My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.
As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid. "What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate."Surely," said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains! ! '"
A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport. After three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human sexuality...
I was wondering if you could answer a few questions..." The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. After three questions, she asks him "...and when was the last time you had sex?". Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was shocked. She looks at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a long time ago?". "Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so...but it's only 2015 now..."
Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is thatas both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around thehouse.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Sumo Barbie ...comes with thong
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be? A: A fur coat.
Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light burning. Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.
What do they have for lunch at Monster School? Human beans, boiled legs, pickled bunions and eyes-cream.
There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going. "How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod. In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful. As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- GuitryAh Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- BorgeAlways talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha ChristieAnd I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- SocratesCorrection: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.
The school teacher was furious when Brad knocked him down with his new bicycle in the school yard. "Don't you know how to ride that yet?" he roared. "Oh yes!" shouted Brad over his shoulder. "It's the bell I can't work yet.
Men are like mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? -A wash and wear wolf