A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, "Dude,thank goodness you showed up!" "I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch."The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, "Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em." The friend said, "Ok". So the guy left.
A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, "I want a vibrator. What do you have?" The friend said, "We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones." The lady said, "I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag." He sold it to her. Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, "I would like a vibrator, what do you have?" The friend replied, "Red, black or white, large, medium or small. The woman asked, "Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?" The friend said, "Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want," so she bought it. A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, "Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?" The friend said, "Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos."
A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. "A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex." Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright. "How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?" "Because their kid is standing on the balcony too."
97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits himdown and begins the standard speech he gives to seniorcitizens, about how as the body ages bodily functionsslow down and it is completely normal to suffer somedecrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worryor become upset about it, but should just relax andthings will probably be completely fine andblah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks "Whendid you first begin to think you were impotent?""Three times last night, and again this morning."
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her. Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men? Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me. Mom: How? Daughter: Oh, stuff.... Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters... Daughter: I don't know..... Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember Daughter: Really? Mom: Really... Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes?
Adam: How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath? Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel, wet the soap and flood the bathroom.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.
The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite."Do you have reservations?" asked the desk clerk."Only one, " replied the groom, "she won't take it up the ass."
Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap? Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine.
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"
When is your mind like a rumpled bed?
When it isn't made up yet.
In a nursing home, there is this old woman named Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The nun says, "Gladys, you know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room. Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells "Super Pussy!" The man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think I'll have the soup."
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
Q: What is the one thing you will never hear a man say? A: Her tits are just too big.
Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it's other100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream.
The next day the meet.
The Italian says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."The German says, "That's nothing, I start licking mywife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."The Greek says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes,
I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.
There was a woman in a tattoo parlor and she asked for a turkey tattooed on the inside of her right thigh. The guy who was tattoo thought that over for a second ask then asked, "A turkey? Whatever you say." So he gave her the tattoo, and about a month later she showed up again asking for a tattoo of Santa Claus on the inside of her left thigh. Once again he looked at her and thought that this woman was crazy, but he implied with her wishes. While she was paying for the second tattoo, he couldn`t help but look up and ask, "Miss, just out of curiosity, why did you make these choices?" And she replied, "My husband says there`s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you justgotten out of prison?""Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sexfrom the rear?""Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in frontof me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"
I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex for a while.
My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, cuz sex islike riding a bicycle.
I know it's been a while, but I don't ever remember pedaling...
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing herfull lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his softmurmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothlyreleased her from her constraining attire. With a sigh ofsurrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.
He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldlytaking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that hadgone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasywas within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been madeonly for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she methis steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.
Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it againand again and again............
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?
How does a women hold her liquor?
By the ears.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed thestudents, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "Thefemale dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all malestudents, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a secondtime will be fined $150. Being caught a third time willincur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "Howmuch for a season pass?"
This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches over here you would love to have." The female response was: "Well, spit it out it isn't yours."
Mommy, mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!
Q: What did the leper say to the hooker?
A: Keep the tip.
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great, gooey, bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed. What shall I do? Hide the tiddley winks.
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of hisregular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember ithas an "r" after the first letter."The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets tohis desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" afterthe first letter.""That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they findthat they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off thelights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
What do hookers do on their night off: type?
A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked."
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"The woman replies, "I'm a whore."The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute.""No, that is still too crude. Try again."They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?""Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
Q . what did the sign on the whore house say?
A: Beat it we are closed
Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that happened the night before."Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours.
Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, lit up two cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble 'n' strife. Rubbing me weary eyes I realized that I'd accidentally walked into my eight year olds daughter's room by, and worse still she was on the swimming team and didn't smoke.
Confucious say: "Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind wakes up with solution in hand."
Q: Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy?
A: She wanted to stop having grandchildren.
An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!""Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private."Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?""No, no nothing of those..." said the private."Well then, what is it?""I'd rather not tell you sir...""Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now." "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private."Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?""You see, she crossed her legs....."
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student asked, "How much for a season pass?"