Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says, "That's it! That's it!"He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side."
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."
Q: What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? A: surname
Banta: "Yaar Santa, last year the name-plate outside your house read Santa B.
A. This year it reads Santa M.
A.; when did you get your Masters degree? Santa: "You don`t understand. Last year my wife died, I put B.
A to Indicate Bachelor Again. Then I took a second wife, So M.
A. is married again."
Q: What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn't? A: Her navel.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
Q: Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle?
A: Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left.'
A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.
The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?"The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it.""That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted it?""Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.
Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.
Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password. It's her turn to guess the word. Voice Over: And the password is. . . black dick! Nancy: Um. . . is it a place? Her partner: No. Nancy: Is it a person? Her partner: No. Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something Imight want to eat? Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe. Nancy: Is it black dick?
Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, "My dad's tougher than your dad!""Oh yeah?" said Little Johnny, "My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs fordinner!""Really?"Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn out the light, I wanna eat it!'"
Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.
Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys!
Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away."The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couplecold ones after work...."
An elderly man visits his doctor."Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit.""Very well, let me see your sex organs, please."The aged patient replied o.k. "And stuck out his index finger and his tongue."
I'd love you to stay the night, but I'm afraid you'll have to make your own bed. Oh, that's all right, I don't mind at all.
Right. Here's a hammer, a saw, and some nails. The wood's in the garage. I have four legs, but only one foot. What am I? A bed
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering,finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.
Can you help me?""Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proudphysician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, thatdoes the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merryway.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on thestreet. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got tothank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sexfourteen times in eight days!""Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What doesyour wife think about it?""Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"
What is pink and moist and split in the middle?
A grapefruit!
How is sex like air?
It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.
Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying andcrying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry Son, yourmother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, its fathers turn to do the job."Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringingjoy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone fromthe nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and theparents ask their son where he had been all night. Says the baby stork, "Awww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!"
What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor,to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god youlook so depressed. She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me...sixdozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have tospend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread. Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?
A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go Bear hunting.
He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go Bear hunting with me, I'll do you anally or you can give me a blowjob.
I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back."The man returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be?"She say's, "There's no way I'm going Bear hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob."A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says, "Jesus, you taste like shit.""Oh yeah," he replies, "The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either."
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.
Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first. "But where will you keep it?" said the second. "Your yard's much too small for a pig!" "I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied his friend. "But what about the smell?" "He'll soon get used to that."
One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon. While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow to help. After feeling the old man's pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the club house and call 911. Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith in astonishment says, "Hey, What are you doing? I thought you were going to give him CPR." Mike replies, "Well, it started off that way."
How does a yuppie couple perform doggie-style sex?
He sits up and begs and she lies down and plays dead.
Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE? One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse....you go between periods and you are expected to come.
There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."
"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend. "She brokedown and told me she was bisexual. Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"
Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
What's so bad about being a dick?
Your closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole, your master covers you in a plastic bag, And every time you get excited you spew.
A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.
Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, publicly accused herneighbor George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parkedoutside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, heparked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
Why did the girl take a ruler to bed?
She wanted to see how long she slept.
During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove herkids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightestopportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with herexplosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband