What kind of bath can you take without water?
A sun bath.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton, and the Titanic ??
It is known how many went down on the Titanic.
A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along verywell, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartmentfor a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, heasked if he could give her an old fashioned kiss. Her reply was "At atime like this you want me to change positions?"
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
*ring* *ring*"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?""I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whisperedhuskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you untilmorning.""Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"
Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
A: Having to go to bed so early!
The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said,"Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?" She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"
What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimeterdick?
Nothing.... They all make your eyes water.
This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?""Well, I've got a hardon, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.
Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' `Why?' says her friend. `Don't you have a vase?'" They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek!"What was that?" starts Hefner's friend. "Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..."
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"
What's the difference between a Geneologist and a Gynecologist?
A Geneologist looks up your family tree, and a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Did you know Sex is a crime?
Its a misdemeanor - The more I miss de meaner I get..
Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it were dark."
A male market researcher was calling on homes on behalf of Vaseline. A woman answered the door."Do you use Vaseline?" asked the researcher. "Certainly," she said. "It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." "And what about anything else?" he asked. "Like what?" He became embarrassed. "Well, sex, maybe." Oh, of course." she said. "I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out."
Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A: The penis.
Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? - You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride
Question: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
Answer: He heard the snowblower coming.
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after.""Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)A2: By doing the splits.
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to acostume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings outa fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over yourshoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
Q: What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? A: Almond Joy candy bar
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs & comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that`s some 10 times a month. What do you say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That`s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?" The husband was pretty irritated by now & yells back, "Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make your bed?
Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!
Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?
Because he is lying.
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Q: Why did the Priest go to Walmart?
A: He wanted to get boys pants "half" off!
Santa and Banta, while in New York trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" Banta, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You are so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Long Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at him. Santa was mortified. He pulled him away and whispered, "We are leaving right now." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally Banta turned to him. "You are angry about something." "Oh, really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I have never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Long Island? You idiot ! No. 5 bus does not go out to Long Island"
Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring. Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?"I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"
How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex? Mace...
Mongo's old lady decided she wanted t dosomething special to please him on hisbirthday, so she bought a pair of crotchlesspanties. That night, as he came into the house, shelay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle."Hi hon," she purred sexily. "Y'all wantsome of this?""Hell, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it'sdone to your undies!"
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."+------------------------------------------------------------------------ On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice." The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times."
A blind guy goes into a whore house. A girl takes him upstairs and starts giving him a blowjob.
He says to her, "Excuse me, aren't you Karen Carlton, and didn't you go to Cardozo High School in Detroit?""Yes. How'd you know?""I never forget a face."
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Pleasedescribe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertainsuspicions as to your wife's fidelity.""Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturallywhen I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." "One Sunday morning," he continued,"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in theapartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop allthat racket on the weekends?'
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was onthe run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he foundin the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and hiswife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed,straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started tomove her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife andhissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen awoman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just goalong with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don'tfight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!""Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved youfeel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He toldme he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline inthe bathroom."