This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.
An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over andsays he'll give her a ride home.
On the way he looks her over and says "You're a pretty good looking oldbroad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass".
She says "What???!!!". But then thinks that the old age check isn't duefor 5 more days, so she agrees.
They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and hesays to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would haveoffered you $20.00!" She looks back at him and says "If I had know you could get it up I wouldhave taken off my pantyhose!"
A boat load filled with Viagra sank in Baltimore Harbor.
They could not get the draw bridges down for a week.
My mother says I look just like an animal when I'm in the bath - a little bear.
What's 3 feet tall and gives me head?
My son.
cas full fledged nuns, there is one final procedure to be done- the cleansing confession." The father asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" "Yes, I have. My finger brushed against it," replied the first nun. "My child, you must dip your hand in the holy water, so that you are cleansed." So the first nun complies by putting her finger in the water. The same question was posed to the second nun. Her reply was, "Yes father. I masturbated a man once." The second nun was instructed to dip her hand into the water, and she complied. Shortly before the third nun was approached by the father, the fourth nun pushed her aside and said, "IF YOU THINK THAT I AM GOING TO GARGLE WITH THAT WATER AFTER SHE SITS IN IT, YOU VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING!"
Boy: Dad, dad, there's a spider in the bath. Dad: What's wrong with that? You've seen spiders before. Boy: Yes, but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!
One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors. Another little boy raised his hand and said "the leaves on the trees are absolutely green" the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year. Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts,the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And Little Johnny said," well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!"
What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?
Darling.
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. "You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man. Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth."Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar. "Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar.""No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"
Santa Clause took the time of to figure out which randeer can fly .....
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant.""But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.""Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."
Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts..
These two sperm were swimmin' around, doin' their thing and one sperm asks the other...
Hey, are we almost there??? Is this the fallopian tube??? Sperm #2 says "Naaaa this is still the esophagus".
How can you shorten a bed?
Don't sleep long in it.
Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs, one's coming, one's going.
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
What's the definition of a real loser?
A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV.
Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A: She unties you.
How long does it take for a woman to orgasm? Who cares?
A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Why are condoms like cameras? -they both capture the moment.
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.
The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.
Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It'sreally taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home- made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"
Why is sex like money in the bank?
Because when you withdraw, you lose interest.
Sent by Annette
A girl gets a tatoo of Santa Claus on one thighand a turkey on the other. She wants to show thatthere is something good to eat in betweenThanksgiving and Christmas.
An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman. The old woman's distraught and yells, "WHAT'S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN'T!" The old man smiles and says, "Parkinson's disease"
Q: Why is a blonde like Australia?
A: They're both down under, and no one cares.
How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ?
When your nose touches the ceiling !
May: What position does your brother play in the school football team ?
Jay: I think he's one of the drawbacks !
What are three words you dread the most while making love?"Honey, I'm home."
One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating.
The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.
Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.
Jimmy replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!"
These two old men are in a nursing home. They're talking and realize that it's been years since they have had sex. So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought "I'm not going to waste my two best girls on these guys I'll just give them inflatable women. They are old and they won't know the difference." Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back they start talking. The first guy said, " I think mine was dead she didn't move or anything." The second guy said I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window."
What kind of bath can you take without water?
A sun bath.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton, and the Titanic ??
It is known how many went down on the Titanic.
A young man took a girl out to dinner and a show. They got along verywell, and when he asked her if she would like to come up to his apartmentfor a drink she agreed. After they were at the apartment a while, heasked if he could give her an old fashioned kiss. Her reply was "At atime like this you want me to change positions?"
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex? Phone her.
*ring* *ring*"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?""I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whisperedhuskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you untilmorning.""Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"
Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
A: Having to go to bed so early!