A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, "Dude,thank goodness you showed up!" "I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch."The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, "Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em." The friend said, "Ok". So the guy left.
A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, "I want a vibrator. What do you have?" The friend said, "We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones." The lady said, "I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag." He sold it to her. Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, "I would like a vibrator, what do you have?" The friend replied, "Red, black or white, large, medium or small. The woman asked, "Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?" The friend said, "Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want," so she bought it. A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, "Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?" The friend said, "Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos."
What's green and smells like pig? - Kermit's fingers.
Could this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus?
Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea."I call my man 'Eight,' " said the first woman, "Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day."The second woman said in response, "I call my man 'Ten'because his dongis ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night."The first woman then asked the third woman "What do you call your man?"She answered " 'Creme de Menthe.' ""Why? Isn't' that a liqueur?" the other two wanted to know."Yep, it is," said the woman, continuing, "yeah, you betcha!"
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor,to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god youlook so depressed. She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me...sixdozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have tospend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread. Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?
Question: What's the difference between sin and shame?
Answer: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister naked. He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing?" "Just heating up dinner" she replies.
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them ?
Stan: In the bathroomFred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath ?
Stan: Blindfold them !
What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off? Spit, swallow and gargle.
What is a man's idea of protected sex?
A padded headboard.
Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping. Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed. Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.
Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees herson coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood,and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks alittle further and kicks a cow. Once inside, hismother says, "I saw what you did, young man! Forkicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, andfor kicking the cow, no milk for a week."Just at that moment, the boy's father walks throughthe door and boots the cat halfway across the room.
The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wannatell him, or should I ?"
How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex? Mace...
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.
Mother: Did you make your bed today?
Daughter: Yes, Mom, but I think it would be easier to buy one.
What's the speed limit of sex?68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.
Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"Jake says, "I fought 'em."
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.
Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visaapplication. The border official look s over his shoulder,and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' intothe small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what wemean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraidof spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She hadbeen with so many perverted men over the years that she felt sheneeded a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male nearher age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a malevirgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to anAustralian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he hadindeed never been with a woman and they were married. On theirwedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.
When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken thebed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of theroom. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "Ithought you had never been with a woman."He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing akangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how much is that watch?""It's $2000, ma'am.""Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?""Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?""I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."
Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he hasto listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One,two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the seconddwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says,"It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says,"You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."
Why did the bank robber take a bath? So he could make a clean getaway.
Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first. "But where will you keep it?" said the second. "Your yard's much too small for a pig!" "I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied his friend. "But what about the smell?" "He'll soon get used to that."
Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads. "Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing."Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"
Q: IS IT SEXUAL HARASMENT IF YOU GO TO A WOMAN AND TELL HER, HER HAIR SMELLS NICE?
A: WHAT IF THE MAN IS A DWARF?
A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"
What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
How long does it take for a woman to orgasm? Who cares?
The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"
Knock KnockWho's there !
Bed !
Bed who ?
Bed you can't guess who I am!
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wifeone Friday evening and read's: Dear Wife (that's whathe called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive thisletter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautifuland sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at thehotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54and by the time you receive this letter I will be atthe Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 yearold toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more timesthan 54 goes into 18!!!!
A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty blonde receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor." "It's rather embarrassing" the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection." "Well, the doctor is very busy today" the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."
One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird." He went back to sleep. She came back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around your bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he went back to sleep. She came back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said those are "the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird,and he said "ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She said, "When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"
The newly-married daughter-in-law demurely told her mother-in-law, "Mum! I want to know about the customs here." The mother-in-law said, "Yes Yes, go ahead!" "How many months after marriage are babies delivered here?" the daughter-in-law enquired. "Why ? after nine months," told the mother-in-law, struck by her daughter-in-law`s innocence. "But," declared the daughter-in-law, "At my father`s place, they do it after six months, and for the first time, I shall follow their custom."
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake? She spent the night popping out of bed.
There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."
Q: What did the blind blonde say as she was making love with her new boyfriend?
A: "Funny, you don't feel Jewish."