Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liarI can't believe that!
"...clamp...sponge...scalpel...oops..."
Benefits of having Alzheimer's: You can wrap your own presents. You are always meeting new friends.
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Once a doctor got a telephone call in the middle of night. The caller sounded very excited. "Doctor, please come at once. My wife is in great pain and I am sure it is appendicitis? , he said. The doctor assured him that there was no need to panic. "I will come in the morning." The man protested, "But doctor, my wife is really serious." The doctor replied, "I took out your wife s appendix two years ago. She can not have another." The caller protested, "That is alright doctor, but now I have got another wife!"
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit Will you get out of my hair !
What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Psychiatric HotlineIf you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.4. You are always meeting new people.3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.1. Mysteries are always interesting.
After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.
So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.
The doctor took time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just takethis sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow."So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his littlebottle. It was empty. The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, " Problems?" he said. "Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. " I went home andstraight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. Itell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wifeupstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn'tdo it. " "So what did you do?" said the doctor. " We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sureshe'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc,she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out! !" "But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle! ! ! ! !"
How does Snoop Dogg keep his canine teeth white? BLEEEEEE-YATCH!
What game do you play if you don't take care of your teeth? Tooth (truth) or Consequences.
There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunkendriving. They let him go, though. He was already an hourlate for an operation.
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac.""I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.""That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it? Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!
What does a dentist do on a roller coaster? ...
He braces himself
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem? A variationDoctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend ofhis, also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had beendoing. The friend replied (vocally! ) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now."Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to aspecialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatmentprogram that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. Theygot an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanentdamage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy,and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well."Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!""Very well," replied the specialist."Kindly go into the next room, dropyour pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaked in carrying abroomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.
The mute jumped from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa! ! !""VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me? You have a broken finger!
What did the vampire call his false teeth? A new fangled device.
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really? Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar! Have you taken anything for it?
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news? Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!
A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from excessive flatulance, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history,a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smyth while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell." At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman. "What's this?" she asked, "some pills?" "No", replied Dr Smyth, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."
Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? Dracula's dentist.
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got todo something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!" "I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies."Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass." "But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleepswith his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic ofthe lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!""Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!""Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left? Nine!
The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. "Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you." The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs." "Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought, "This is unusual."The dentist said to me, "Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet."
Why does a dentist seem moody? Because he always looks down in the mouth.
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.
A patient asked the dentist, if it wasn't nasty to be all the day with the hands in someone's mouth.
The dentist answered "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."