What do you call the sound a ghost makes when he calls you? A phone moan.
Question: What goes up and never comes down? Answer: Up
What do you call someone who spends 24 hours a day on the Internet? Anything you like, they're not listening to you anyway.
eariler this week i went to the guy who inveted the hokey pokey's funeral. It was a weird funeral. First they put his left leg in,then took his left leg out,they put his left leg in and they shaked it all about.
Then they put his right leg in and then his right leg out,they put his left leg in and they shook it all about,and so on and so forth until he was totally in
How many architects does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this quiet complicated task.
Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation? To Palm Beach.
What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone? He grew up to be a bellhop!
Which Lord Mayor of London was always on the Internet? Click Whittington
How do wasps send messages? By bee-mail.
This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions." She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"
Have you seen www.brokenglass.com? Yes, but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
What is a twip? A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.
Have you seen www.apathy.com? No, and quite honestly I can't be bothered.
How do you make rude noises on the Internet? With a whoop e-cushion.
Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny. At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?" The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses! ! !
Mother: Why was the phone busy all night? Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
How did the octopus lovers walk down the road? Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.
What do you call a ghost on the Internet? e-erie.
Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around? Because time will tell.
"Were you in Paris on your vacation?""I don't know, my wife got the tickets."
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn'ttell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussedhorseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and theycomplimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's onlytried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and thesecond time he fell off."
My new baby is the image of his father. Never mind. just so long as he's healthy.
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.8. 8:00a.m. is not early.9. You have to file for your own taxes.10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.11. You're not carded anymore.12. You carry an umbrella.13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.17. You start watching the weather channel.18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.25. Your car insurance goes down.26. You refer to college students as kids.27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...
Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f****** freezing!"
What did the bell say when it fell in the water? I'm wringing wet.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? - She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Have you seen www.veryangry.com? No, AND STOP ASKING ME STUPID QUESTIONS!
What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails? He cut all his fingers off!
Have you seen www.shelterfromtherain.com? Yes, but it doesn't really stand out.
A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan.
She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.
The teacher looks at Josh and says, "Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?"He says, "Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?"Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan."The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be? !"Josh says, "Then I'd be a Laker fan!"
"Look, guide, here are some LION tracks.""Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker. "What do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "I'm just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy. "Where is the baby?" asked his Mum. "Under the bath."
How do you find white shirts on the Internet? Use a starch engine.
What surfs the Internet and goes, 'Choo, Choo'? Thomas the Search Engine.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with the Internet? I don't know, but it's e-nourmous.
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
"Do you love me more than you love sleep?""I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"
What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus? The police made him bring it back again.