Do you like my new jacket? It's great. Shame your body doesn't suit it, though.
Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were beginning to lose heart. Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out. She said "I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true." Friend number one got excited. He said "I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women." Instantly he was gone, his wish granted. Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing Christmas carols together." Just like that, he disappeared. The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?" He answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me dec ide..."
Have you seen www.yawn.com? Yes, but I'm a bit tired of it.
What should you do if a vampire borrows your comic? Wait for him to give it back.
New camper: I thought you said this camp has no mosquitoes.
Old camper: That's right. These mosquitoes come from the camp down the road!
Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will want one.
The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.-Conan O'Brien
YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
How does Robin hood send messages around Sherwood Forest? By tree mail!
Martin asked David, "In which state does the Ohio River run?" David answered with cool, "In the liquid state."
Where is Dracula's American office? The Vampire State Building.
When is the best time to go shopping? When the stores are open.
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in loveand going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm goingto bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'mgoing to marry."The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful womeninto the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat fora while.
He then says,"Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle.""That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?""I don't like her."
Fred: My mum's having a new baby. Drew: What's wrong with the old one?
What time is it when your watchdog lets a robber take the family silver? Time to get a new watchdog.
She has a pretty little head-- for a head, it's pretty little.
I saw a garbage truck driving yesterday. You never told me you were moving.
The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money-Jay Leno
When do e-mails stop being in black and white? When they are read.
Why do church bells never send e-mails? They'd rather give each other a ring.
What did the sausage say when it couldn't log on to the Internet? If at first you don't succeed Fry, Fry again
your family is so poor.......... the family vehicle is a skateboard.
Why is math always sad? Because it has too many problems.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What kind of bell doesn't ring? A dumbbell.
Q. What is the bigest pencil in the world? A. Pennsylvania
On the last day of camp everyone was asked the same question: 'What is the best part of the camp? 'One wise guy answered, 'Going home! '
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $6,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him 6,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $6,000 in principal, and $18.40 in interest." The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow? The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for t wo weeks and pay only $18.40?"
Why isn't Mexico in the olympics? ...
Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint are already over the Border..
Police Officer: Why did you lead me on a five-state chase? Driver: I love to travel.
How do Italian Chefs swap recipes? By Spaghett-e-mail!
Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.
What does Dracula say when you tell him a new fact? Well, fangcy that!
Have you seen www.smallearthquake.com? Yes, its's no great shakes!
What is a vampire's favorite sport? Batminton.
Why couldn't the alligator send e-mails on his PC? Because it was on old croc.
When i was a kid i used to pray for a new bike. But then I realised that the lord doesn't work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me!
Why is Hollywood full of vampires? They need someone to play the bit parts.
What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants? Bell-bottoms!