They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by love and her looks are out of sight!
How does a baritone make phone calls? Song distance!
One day a man met three beggars. To the first he gave a dime, to the second a dime, and to the third a nickel. What time was it? A quarter to three.
How are you getting on with the Internet? Surf far, so good.
Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin? It wanted to play squash.
Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with? The girl necks door.
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins""That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"! ! !
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a valenshine!
Why was the banker bored? Because he lost interest in everything.
The EPA is conducting a $700,000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."Jay Leno
Do you like your new baby sister? She's all right. Do you play with her? No, and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 28 days.
Party Host: Hello? Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her? Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?
How do Indian chiefs send messages? By teepee-mail!
Have you got the address of the butter website? Yes, but don't spread it around.
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe s and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
I spent the whole evening knotsurfing! Don't you mean netsurfing? No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!
A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked, "how much did you pay for that?""I paid through the nose!" he replied
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."
How does a baboon make phone calls? He just monkeys around on the line!
What do you think of Dracula films? Fangtastic!
Where is Pinocchio's website? On the splinternet.
How does Dracula keep fit? He plays batminton.
If you need a loan, who do you see in the bank? The Loan Arranger (Lone Ranger).
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to ahot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, whopays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's mychange?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's, and McDonald's brought forth the $3.20 double-cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?", and Man said, "Super size them."And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.
And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.
And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw that and said, "It is good."And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...
And Satan created private health insurance ....
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies.
You are so stupid that you flunked special-ed
Did you hear about the doctor who crossed a parrot with a vampire? It bit his neck, sucked his blood, and said, 'Who's a pretty boy then? '!
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn th ing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
Well-known lodging chain announced it was creating a line of nofrills hotels. The only way you'll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an M&M.;
The tourist: "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?"
Why couldn't the alligator send e-mails on his PC? Because it was on old croc.
Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup? It clotted.
Q: What did the cook say to the dough? A: I "NEED" you!
Who has the best website in the jungle? The Onlion King.
Bill and Steve are enjoying a beer and discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
Harry was telling his friend about his holiday in Switzerland. His friend had never been to Switzerland and asked, 'what did you think of the scenery? 'Oh, I couldn't see much,' Harry admitted. 'There were all these mountains in the way.'
A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood.
He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?" The man, not wanting to g et the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."
Caller: Operator! Operator! I don't know what's wrong with my phone, but I can't make long distance calls any longer! Operator: Don't worry. Your long distance calls are long enough already!