What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day? A coffin break.
An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains. "I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick". "You swindler!" shouted the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size!""You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad."
A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. "Well, Skip," said the scout, "Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it."
Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: That's what we said in the camp ads. Running water in every cabin!
Can you show me how to use the Internet? I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in circles.
A boy was caught stealing a watch from a shop. He was taken to a police station and put in a lock-up. A hardened criminal lodged there showed some sympathy and said, "You are wasting time on small items. Why don`t you rob a bank?" The boy replied, "By the time I leave school, all banks are closed."
A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he seesSteven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese peoplebombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here." The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese"."Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese your all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carsberg, you're all the same."
After a visit to the circus, Geoff and Don were discussing the thrills and marvels they had seen. "I didn't think much of the knife thrower, did you?" said Geoff. "I thought he was great!" enthused Don. "Well, I didn't," said Geoff. "He kept throwing those knives at that soppy girl but he didn't hit her once."
Why does Dracula have no friends? Because he's a pain in the neck.
A girl walked over to her neighbor's for her morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how tired she looked. "Yeah" she said, "I didn't sleep well last night, I had this really strange dream." "Do tell" said her neighbor, pouring the coffee. "Well, I dreamed I woke up and went downstairs as usual, but when I looked in the mirror my face had turned orange, and my hair was sticking straight up out of my head and was green!" "Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker or something" the neighbor said, with a grin. "No" she said, "It wasn't like that. It was as if I knew something was wrong, but it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?" "Sure" said the neighbor, "Everybody's had dreams like that." "Well anyway" she continued, "I decided to go down and get the mail, because even in my dream, I figured I must be dreaming, so what the heck if I was orange, you know? So I walk down and get my mail, and I keep feeling everybody looking at me!"Then I get a good look at myself in the big window in front of the store, and I'll be darned if I wasn't a carrot! It was such a shock I stumbled backwards and got hit by a truck driven by that nice doctor down the street. The last thing I remember before I woke up was him bending over me, telling me his diagnosis." "Wow" laughed the neighbor, "Did you live?" "Yeah, I lived" sighed the girl, "But the doctor said I'd be a vegetable the rest of my life."
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!
A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"
Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel? It had running rot and mould in every room.
Knock Knock Who's there! Baby! Baby who? Baby love, my baby love....!
Q: Why did the clown wear loud socks? A: So his feet wouldn't fall asleep.
Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour? Operator: No, but if you hum a few bars, I might be able to sing along with you.
Our website should have more colour, more games, more sound! Look, what more do you want? Blood?
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Two anthropologists fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he gets there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group of natives."Greetings! How is it going?" says the visiting anthropologist."Wonderful!" says the other, "I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!"He points at a palm tree and says, "what is that?"The natives, in unison, say "Umbalo-gong!"He then points at a rock and says, "and that?"The natives again intone "Umbalo-gong!""You see!", says the beaming anthropologist, "They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!""That is truly amazing!" says the astonished visiting anthropologist, "On the other island, the same word means 'ind ex finger'!"
What do you call a tube with a degree? A graduated cylinder.
Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped Easter egg? Because they're both cracked!
Why did the vampire take up acting? It was in his blood.
Q. Have you heard the latest scandal? A. Dr. Pepper was drunk at a party.
Have you seen www.blottingpaper.com? Yes, I found it very absorbing.
Do you want some help using the Internet, son? No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.
What do you call a guard with a hundred legs? A sentrypede.
Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin? Because his life is at stake.
How does a vampire clean his house? With a victim cleaner.
Have you seen www.indecisive.com? Yes and no.
A man arrived at a seaside hotel where he had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights were out, so he knocked on the door. After a long time a light appeared in an upstairs window and a woman called out, "Who are you? What do you want?" "I'm staying here!" "Stay there, then," she retorted, and slammed the window shut!
Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister? I'd much rather have a jelly baby.
What do you get if you cross Dracula with AI Capone? A fangster.
Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village? Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).
Why are vampire families so close? Because blood is thicker than water.
Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? Because of all the tellers.
When does a horse talk on the phone? Whinny wants to!
Since you've discovered the Internet, you don't pay any attention to me! Who said that?
What's a vampire's favorite drink? A Bloody Mary.
Why did the vampire enjoy ballroom dancing? He could really get into the vaultz.
Q: What's black, white and read all over? A: A newspaper.