Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will want one.
What do you call a fire at the Internet cafe? An e-mergency.
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
What runs all day but never gets tired? Water.
What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands? A pocket watch.
On her annual visit to another planet, an old lady turns to the cabin steward and says. "I hope this spaceship doesn't travel faster than sound. "Why?" replies the cabin steward. "Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."
Where is Dracula's American office? The Vampire State Building.
How do, like, really laid-back types answer the phone? Mellow.
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn? Where's Pop Corn?
What is a twip? A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.
I hear you've been tracing your ancestors on the internet...
Yes - and it's a mammoth task!
Why is math always sad? Because it has too many problems.
Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin? Because his life is at stake.
Meg's mother was visiting her daughter at camp. 'How did you find the steak dinner? ' she asked.'With a magnifying glass! '
What do you get if you cross a baby with soldiers? Infantry!
A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.
Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood.
He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."
Pierre was a camper from France. In his honour, Jenny sang a French song in the talent show. But she didn't sing very well.'Does that make you homesick? ' someone asked Pierre.'No,' he answered. 'Just sick sick! '
Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet? They never want to log off.
Customer: I'd like a watch that tells time.
Clerk: Don't you have a watch that tells time? Customer: No, you have to look at it.
What steps should you take if you see a dangerous animal on your travels? Very large ones.
What is a baby bee? A little humbug.
A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...
Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f****** freezing!"
What time is it when a clock strikes thirteen? Time to get it fixed.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!
A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm."Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!""Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
The Rocky Mountains are very big and far apart. It takes a long time for an echo to bounce back off one of these mountains.
One night, a camper in the Rockies went to sleep early. But before climbing into his sleeping bag he yelled, 'Time to get up.'And eight hours later the echo came back and woke him up!
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
Do you like web jokes? Yes - they're e-larious!
Q: Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards? A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!
Q: Why don't you wear snow boots? A: Because they'll melt.
How do mountainers send messages? By ski-mail.
How do you get pikachu on to a boat? You pokemon
What's the difference between a sigh, a car and a monkey? A sigh is oh, dear. A car is too dear. A monkey is you, dear.
Why is a baby like an diamond? Because it's a dear little thing.
Why don't vikings send e-mails? They prefer to use Norse code.
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.
A boy was caught stealing a watch from a shop. He was taken to a police station and put in a lock-up. A hardened criminal lodged there showed some sympathy and said, "You are wasting time on small items. Why don`t you rob a bank?" The boy replied, "By the time I leave school, all banks are closed."
Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.
Caller: Operator! Operator! Call me an ambulance! Operator: Okay. You're an ambulance!