Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn`t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she`ll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that`s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny`s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy`s dying!" is father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy`s dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy`s balloons and she`s screaming `Oh God, I`m coming!"
A new primary school teacher starts her first day of class. She begins by asking students to stand and introduce themselves. The first child stands and says, "My name is Mary Johnson." "Thank you, Mary", says the teacher. The second student says, "My name is Sam Smith." "Thank you, Sam." The third student says, "My name is Johnny Fuckhour." The teacher is horrified, and tells Johnny that this type of language will not be allowed. He replies, "Honest, my name is Johnny Fuckhour. If you don't believe me, check up in the fifth grade where my brother is." So the teacher walks up to the fifth grade class, and asks, "Do you have a Fuckhour in here?" One boy stands in the back of the room and says, "Hell, no! We don't even get a nap hour in here!"
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn`t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn`t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Bob, who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you`re stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you`re stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma`am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word Definitely in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not! ! !"? OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home. The teacher told the kids,"As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave. O.
K., Who said four score and seven years ago?" Johnny lifts his hand in excitement. "Yes, Johnny?" But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln. "Very good, Lucy, you may go home now." Johnny was red in the face with anger. The teacher then gave the next quote, "Who said I have a dream." Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again. But this time Mary interjected and said "Martin Luther King." "Very good, Mary, you may go home now." At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off. But the teacher asked again, "Who said ask not what your country can do for you?" Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly. This time Rebecca chimed in and said, "JFK" "Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now." Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD! He turns to the kid next to him and says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" "Who said that?"asked the teacher. "Bill Clinton," said Johnny, "Can I go home now?"
You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH! ! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU! ! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...
YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH! Sincerely, Johnny
Johnny`s parents were out of town once and so they asked that young female teacher to stay for that time in their house. Before going to bed Johnny says to her "Oh, please, I`m so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed." She agrees and they go to bed. In the morning she wakes up to find a big hairy-chested man in her bed. She exclaims: "Johnny? Where is Johnny? ! ! !" "Johnny? Who is Johnny? Is that the little boy selling the tickets?"
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So she asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He`s in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He`s in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He`s in our bathroom! ! !" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there? ! ?"
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out oftown all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and...." The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you`ve just told me." The father came home and the wife tells him that she`s leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband. "Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you`ve just told me." "Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
One day Johnny was sitting in class and had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand to ask the teachers permission. The teacher told Johnny if he could say the alphabet he could go to the bathroom. Johnny stumbled through it and got it all wrong and had to hold it. So Johnny studied and studied and felt as though he knew the alphabet perfectly. The next day when Johnny had to use the bathroom he rose his hand to ask the teacher could he go. The teacher said if you can say the alphabet I`ll let you go. So Johnny started to say the alphabet ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ. The teacher then asked Johnny well where`s the P, and Johnny responded it`s running down my leg.
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny`s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello Class, I`m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class, remember it has an "r" after the first letter." A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Little Johnny gets to his desk, the teacher asks him what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and then says, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter." "That`s right." she coaxed. Then after a few second, Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate." Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly, "My gal friend has a sweater with 10 buttons." The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word fascinate in your sentence." Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I`m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I`m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal`s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal`s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What word starts with an `F` and ends in `K` that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last three questions myself."
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I`m in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don`t you see how silly that is? It`s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don`t want a child." "Oh, don`t worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I`ll use a rubber!"
One day at school, the topic of the day was, "What part of your body goes to Heaven first?" Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and thought to herself, `Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I`ll make sure he`s the last one I call on! ` So, instead the teacher calls on Susie. Susie says, "I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to go to Heaven." The teacher congratulated Susie, "That`s very good, Susie!" Then, the teacher calls on Mary. Mary says, "I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to Heaven." The teacher congratulated Mary, "Very good, Mary!" By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, "Oh, oh, oh!" The teacher gets ready and says, "Okay, Johnny, it`s your turn." Johnny gets up and says, "I think your feet go to Heaven first." The curious teacher asks, "Well, Johnny, that`s very good! But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?" "Well," replies little Johnny, "last night I walked into my parent`s room, and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, `Oh God, I`m coming, I`m coming! `"
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door and says to the lady, "I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars." She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly give you some great sex instead." Little Johnny agrees, "All right." He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them down. To her surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's ever seen. Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of washers, and begins sliding them onto his penis. The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it." "Not for five bucks, you can't," replies Little Johnny.
The third grade teacher was teaching English and recited for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited: "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary`s clothes, and smelled her little..." He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, "Ass."
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word `indefinitely` in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class. But the teacher knows he`s a trouble maker and that he doesn`t know the answer, so she calls on Jim. Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely." "Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?" Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely." The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there`s Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!
One day Johnny was at church and ask the priest may I go to the bathroom, the priest said. "Yes you may." Johnny left and headed for the woods. He found a big tree and crouched down to take a dump. Meanwhile, the priest went looking for him in the woods. Johnny heard the priest coming, wiped his butt with a leaf and pulled his pants up. Johnny then took his hat off and put it on top of the poop. The priest saw him and said, "What do you got underneath there?" Johnny hesitated and said, " The fastest bird in the world." The priest said, "Oh yeah, let`s see." "Ok" Johnny said, "On the count of 3, when I take the hat off, I want you to grab the bird." "1 - 2 - 3." Johnny pulled the hat away and the priest grabbed the poop. "WOW, that bird is so fast it left the poop behind" said Johnny.
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He`s in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He`s in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He`s in our bathroom! ! !" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there? !"
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it`s long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it`s something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it`s a horny bastard."
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn`t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she`ll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that`s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny`s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy`s dying!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy`s dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy`s balloons and she`s screaming `Oh God, I`m coming!"
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"
The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good. He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, Little Johnnie, who was standing there said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn`t have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them." The lineman tried to ignore Little Johnnie and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough Little Johnnie was still standing there. He said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn`t have to climb down." This irritated the lineman, but he ignored Little Johnnie and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole than he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbed from the pole and went over to the bushes to take a leak. As he was relieving himself he saw Little Johnny watching him through the bushes. He`d had it with this kid so he said to him, "I`ll bet your dad doesn`t have two of these, does he?" Little Johnny replied, "No, but his would make two of yours."
Little Johnny asked his classmate "Do you know how to keep a foolish person in suspense." "No, you tell me." "I ll tell you some other day."
Little Johhny was sitting on the side walk with a small bottle of sulphuric acid, pouring drops on the ants as they crawled past. A priest passing by saw this, and approached him. "Good morning, young man. What are you doing with that little bottle?" he asked politely. "I'm burning the ants with the acid," the boy replied. Thinking that a bottle of acid was dangerous for a small boy to play with, the priest thought of how he could persuade the boy to part with it. "Listen son, I have a bottle of holy water here that you could put on the ants instead," said the priest. "No way Father!" said Little Johnny, "I'd rather have this bottle." "But mine is special holy water," replied the priest. "Well, what's so special about it?" enquired Little Johnny. "Ah," said the priest, "I once put a drop of this on a lady's belly and she passed a child." "That's nothing!" exclaimed Johnny, "I once put a drop of this on a dog's testicles, and he passed a Harley Davidson! ! !"
Miss Jones is a kindergarten teacher and today is her birthday. As she walked into her classroom one of her students, Dollly, had brought a gift up to her desk. "Guess what it is!" said Dolly. Knowing that Dolly`s father owned a bookstore she guessed, "A Book?" "How did you know?" asked Dolly Next, Robert brought a gift up to Miss Smith. "Guess what it is!" said Robert. Knowing that his parents owned a florist shop, she guessed, "Flowers?" "How did you know?" asked Robert Finally, Johnny brought up a gift for Miss Smith. "Guess what it is!" said Johnny. Knowing that Johnny`s father owned a liquor store, and seeing that the bag was wet, she placed her fingers on the liquid and then licked them. "Rum?" guessed Miss Smith. "No" said Johnny. She tasted again..."Vodka?" she guessed. "No" said Johnny. Once again she wet her fingers and tasted, "I know," said Miss Smith, "It`s wine." "No!" said Johnny..."it`s a puppy."
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents` bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom. "Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny. His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son. I, um, I`m just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father. Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fu*king them?"
A third grade teacher always took roll call each morning and had the students answer by reciting a short poem. The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher`s pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can." The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can." The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don`t give a damm about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think can!"
Little Johnny at the swimming pool. Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You`re not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I`m going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What s the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Little Johnny and Suzy have almost nothing to do one day. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let`s take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests. "Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary." "No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!" And he proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on it and slides down the rail, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now." Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary." "No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it s the best!" urges Johnny. Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom. Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself. "Maybe you d better let me see," suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny`s face goes pale white. "OH, NO!" he shouts."THIS IS HORRIBLE! YOU KNOCKED IT RIGHT OFF! !"
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
Johnny and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each other. "Dad, what`re the dogs doing?" asks Johnny. "Well, the one below has relaxed and the one above has concentrated." "Okay, I`ve understood." "What`ve you understood! ?" asks the father sarcastically. "Never relax in your life, dad, or you`ll get fucked like a dog!"
A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping. "Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything." "Don`t be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything." "We do," he answered, "My Daddy said so the other day." "Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked. "Well, my sister came home with her boyfriend, and told Dad that she was pregnant. That`s when my Dad said, "God, that`s all we needed!"
One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight-year-old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight-year-old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through the pastor`s sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God. "Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?" His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son`s right butt cheek. "GOD! ! ! !" Cried little Johnny. "Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on. But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question, "Who was Mary and Joseph`s son?" The pastor asked. Johnny`s dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son`s left butt cheek. "JESUS CHRIST! ! ! !" Yelled Johnny. And once again the pastor replied "Very good." Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question. "What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?" But before Johnny`s parents could do anything Johnny shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I`M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!"
Little Johnny had to walk past a whorehouse to get to school and back. One morning a whore on the second floor porch hollered down, "Hi little boy!", and waved at him with her little finger. That afternoon it was the same thing. "Hi little boy!", and waved at him with her little finger. This went on for several days and Johnny didn't like it. So one morning he asked her, "How come every time I come by here you say 'hi little boy'and wave like that?" She held up her pinkie and said, "Beacuse I figure that's about the size of it, little boy!" Now Johnny was really pissed. That afternoon it was the same old thing again. "Hi little boy!", and waved at him with her little finger. Johnny put both pinkies in his mouth, Stretched it out and hollered, "HI WHORE! ! !"