Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through out the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, `Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? ` When Mary didn`t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. `God Almighty! ` shouted Mary. Teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, `Who is our Lord and Savior? ` But, Mary didn`t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. `Jesus Christ! ` shouted Mary. The teacher said, `Very good,` and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. `What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? ` And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, `If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I`ll break it in half! ` The Teacher fainted.
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I`m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I`m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal`s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal`s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What word starts with an `F` and ends in `K` that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last three questions myself."
Johnny`s parents were out of town once and so they asked that young female teacher to stay for that time in their house. Before going to bed Johnny says to her "Oh, please, I`m so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed." She agrees and they go to bed. In the morning she wakes up to find a big hairy-chested man in her bed. She exclaims: "Johnny? Where is Johnny? ! ! !" "Johnny? Who is Johnny? Is that the little boy selling the tickets?"
The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it was not my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That`s when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women." The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"
A third grade teacher always took roll call each morning and had the students answer by reciting a short poem. The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher`s pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can." The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can." The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don`t give a damm about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think can!"
Little Johnny had to walk past a whorehouse to get to school and back. One morning a whore on the second floor porch hollered down, "Hi little boy!", and waved at him with her little finger. That afternoon it was the same thing. "Hi little boy!", and waved at him with her little finger. This went on for several days and Johnny didn't like it. So one morning he asked her, "How come every time I come by here you say 'hi little boy'and wave like that?" She held up her pinkie and said, "Beacuse I figure that's about the size of it, little boy!" Now Johnny was really pissed. That afternoon it was the same old thing again. "Hi little boy!", and waved at him with her little finger. Johnny put both pinkies in his mouth, Stretched it out and hollered, "HI WHORE! ! !"
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetics. "Why?", asks the father. "The teacher asked `How much is 2x3? ` I said `6`" "But that`s right!", the father says. "Then she asked me `How much is 3x2? `" "What`s the fucking difference?", the father enquires. "That`s exactly what I said." right!", the father says. "Then she asked me `How much is 3x2? `" "What`s the fucking difference?", the father enquires. "That`s exactly what I said."
Little Johnny`s father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have? Johnny replied, it has two. Little Johnny`s father then asked, how many eyes does the rooster have? Johnny replied, it has two. Little Johnny`s father then asked, well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had? Johnny replied, It has two, daddy. So then, Little Johnny`s daddy said, Well then, a big white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have? Little Johnny scratched his head and replied; I don`t know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have? Little Johnny`s daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cocks and so little about white pussy?
One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage. She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you,
Johnny?" "Milk!" answered Little Johnny. "No, I`m sorry. That`s the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher. "Wow!", Johnny exclaimed, "I didn`t know the stem was that long!"
It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home. The teacher told the kids,"As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave. O.
K., Who said four score and seven years ago?" Johnny lifts his hand in excitement. "Yes, Johnny?" But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln. "Very good, Lucy, you may go home now." Johnny was red in the face with anger. The teacher then gave the next quote, "Who said I have a dream." Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again. But this time Mary interjected and said "Martin Luther King." "Very good, Mary, you may go home now." At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off. But the teacher asked again, "Who said ask not what your country can do for you?" Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly. This time Rebecca chimed in and said, "JFK" "Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now." Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD! He turns to the kid next to him and says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" "Who said that?"asked the teacher. "Bill Clinton," said Johnny, "Can I go home now?"
The third grade teacher was teaching English and recited for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited: "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary`s clothes, and smelled her little..." He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, "Ass."
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door and says to the lady, "I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars." She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly give you some great sex instead." Little Johnny agrees, "All right." He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them down. To her surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's ever seen. Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of washers, and begins sliding them onto his penis. The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it." "Not for five bucks, you can't," replies Little Johnny.
One day Johnny was sitting in class and had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand to ask the teachers permission. The teacher told Johnny if he could say the alphabet he could go to the bathroom. Johnny stumbled through it and got it all wrong and had to hold it. So Johnny studied and studied and felt as though he knew the alphabet perfectly. The next day when Johnny had to use the bathroom he rose his hand to ask the teacher could he go. The teacher said if you can say the alphabet I`ll let you go. So Johnny started to say the alphabet ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ. The teacher then asked Johnny well where`s the P, and Johnny responded it`s running down my leg.
Five years old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love. "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn`t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she`ll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that`s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny`s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy`s dying!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy`s dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy`s balloons and she`s screaming `Oh God, I`m coming!"
Little Johnny is lying in his bed one night and just can`t get to sleep. He decides to go to his parent`s room to go chat to them. Upon entering their room, he sees their blankets going up-and-down. Johnny:" Mommy, daddy, what are you doing?" Parents:" We are playing cards, now GET OUT!" So Johnny decides to go into hisgrandparent`s room, only to find the blankets going up-and-down. Johnny:" Granny, Grandpa, what are you doing?" Grandpa:" Get out! We are playing cards!" Feeling rejected, Johnny goes back to his own room and gets back into bed. A while later both his parents, and grandparents feel bad for yelling at him so decide to go and apologize. Upon entering his room, they see the blankets going up-and-down. "Johnny! What are you doing? ? ! !" Johnny:"I`m playing cards." Grandpa:" But who`s your partner?" Johnny: "With a hand like this, who needs a partner?"
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
Johnny is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, he manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight." The next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast. "Mom!" Johnny yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast." "I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?" "A jack."
The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good. He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, Little Johnnie, who was standing there said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn`t have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them." The lineman tried to ignore Little Johnnie and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough Little Johnnie was still standing there. He said, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn`t have to climb down." This irritated the lineman, but he ignored Little Johnnie and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole than he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbed from the pole and went over to the bushes to take a leak. As he was relieving himself he saw Little Johnny watching him through the bushes. He`d had it with this kid so he said to him, "I`ll bet your dad doesn`t have two of these, does he?" Little Johnny replied, "No, but his would make two of yours."
A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping. "Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything." "Don`t be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything." "We do," he answered, "My Daddy said so the other day." "Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked. "Well, my sister came home with her boyfriend, and told Dad that she was pregnant. That`s when my Dad said, "God, that`s all we needed!"
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word `indefinitely` in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class. But the teacher knows he`s a trouble maker and that he doesn`t know the answer, so she calls on Jim. Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely." "Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?" Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely." The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there`s Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What s the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
A teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Joe, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Joe proudly replied, "Monday." "Great, that has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word." "I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Kelly instead. "OK Kelly, what is your word." "Saturday." says Kelly. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says, "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.
K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."
Little Johnny had hurt his finger while working on his model airplane. He ran to his mother, who kissed the wound and made it better. On the way to the store a little later, Johnny fell off his bike and scraped his knee. He ran to his mother, who kissed it and made it better. Returning from the store, Johnny ran into the town bully, who kicked him in the nuts. Johnny rushed home. His mother said, "Son, you`re getting more like your father every day!"
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny`s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Little Johnny asked his classmate "Do you know how to keep a foolish person in suspense." "No, you tell me." "I ll tell you some other day."
Miss Jones is a kindergarten teacher and today is her birthday. As she walked into her classroom one of her students, Dollly, had brought a gift up to her desk. "Guess what it is!" said Dolly. Knowing that Dolly`s father owned a bookstore she guessed, "A Book?" "How did you know?" asked Dolly Next, Robert brought a gift up to Miss Smith. "Guess what it is!" said Robert. Knowing that his parents owned a florist shop, she guessed, "Flowers?" "How did you know?" asked Robert Finally, Johnny brought up a gift for Miss Smith. "Guess what it is!" said Johnny. Knowing that Johnny`s father owned a liquor store, and seeing that the bag was wet, she placed her fingers on the liquid and then licked them. "Rum?" guessed Miss Smith. "No" said Johnny. She tasted again..."Vodka?" she guessed. "No" said Johnny. Once again she wet her fingers and tasted, "I know," said Miss Smith, "It`s wine." "No!" said Johnny..."it`s a puppy."
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word Definitely in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not! ! !"? OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?"
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it`s long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it`s something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it`s a horny bastard."
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So she asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He`s in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He`s in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He`s in our bathroom! ! !" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there? ! ?"
One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage. She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, jonny?"Milk!" answered Little Johnny. "No, I`m sorry. That`s the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher. "Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn`t know the stem was that long!"
Little Johnny at the swimming pool. Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You`re not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I`m going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
The final examination for an English class was two hours long and exam booklets were provided. The teacher was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, Little Johnny came rushing in and asked the teacher for an exam booklet. "You`re not going to have time to finish this," the teacher stated sarcastically as he handed him a booklet. "Yes I will," replied Little Johnny. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the teacher called for the exams, and all the students filed up and handed them in except Johnny, who continued writing. Fifteen minutes later, Little Johnny came up to the teacher who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don`t, I`m not going to accept that. It`s late." Little Johnny looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don`t," replied the teacher. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" Little Johnny said again. "No, and I don`t care." replied the teacher with an air of superiority. "Good," replied Little Johnny, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror he saw a train coming. Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!" Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!" Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared. He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress." Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you`re stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you`re stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma`am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate." Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly, "My gal friend has a sweater with 10 buttons." The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word fascinate in your sentence." Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
One day at school, the topic of the day was, "What part of your body goes to Heaven first?" Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and thought to herself, `Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I`ll make sure he`s the last one I call on! ` So, instead the teacher calls on Susie. Susie says, "I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to go to Heaven." The teacher congratulated Susie, "That`s very good, Susie!" Then, the teacher calls on Mary. Mary says, "I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to Heaven." The teacher congratulated Mary, "Very good, Mary!" By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, "Oh, oh, oh!" The teacher gets ready and says, "Okay, Johnny, it`s your turn." Johnny gets up and says, "I think your feet go to Heaven first." The curious teacher asks, "Well, Johnny, that`s very good! But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?" "Well," replies little Johnny, "last night I walked into my parent`s room, and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, `Oh God, I`m coming, I`m coming! `"