Boss in government department: Why didn't you take the leave due to you this year? Civil servant: I needed the rest.
A Man goes to the doctor for some tests. Few weeks later he asks for the results. Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Man: I suppose I better have the good news first. Doctor: We? re going to name a disease after you
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27 She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty "Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: They're trying to get away from the noise
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
Banta is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move- I'll be right back" When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?" "I hiccupped"
Banta was amazed to find Santa playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" Banta exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," Santa replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five"
Q: Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut? A: Because they advertised 'free delivery'
After a deep passionate kiss, the girl whispers to the guy, " Kiss me like that once more and I will be yours forever!" The guy exclaims, " Thanks for the warning!"
The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?" The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
If necessity is the mother of invention, why does so much unnecessary stuff get invented?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mine?
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Santa went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told, it would defeat the purpose.
A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?" The mother replied, "I don t know, son, I never met your father's folks."
Teacher: There is no difficulty in the world we can not overcome. Pupil: Have you ever tried squeezing the toothpaste back into the tube, Sir?
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn"
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
Q: Why does a tiger have stripes? A:So he won't be spotted
HE: Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost? A: "Do you believe in people?"
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? A: They named him Sum Ting Wong
Santa: " What`s the weather like?" Banta: "I don`t know --it's so foggy that I can't see"
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened."Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend."Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours? ' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
Q: What do fat women and mopeds have in common? A: They both are fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see either one!
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Santa: The aeroplane is so big. How is it painted? Banta: When it flies in the air, it will become small and it is easily painted
Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest? A: No body
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
"Should women have children after 35?" "No, 35 children are enough"
Two men were sitting in a bar, discussing their lives. One said, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one said, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
Q: Why did Santa throw the butter out the window? A: He wanted to see a butterfly
Q: Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing? A: "The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide"
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS"'. Many local Politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS"