Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws? A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that
One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks out side,it had snowed during the night and everything wascovered in snow. He looks down and sees somethingwritten in urine on the lawn it reads"I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD".
Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "Ihope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For themto write it in the spot it's in they would have had tobe on my deck. Please help me find this criminal."The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr.
Clinton we did DNA , urine and handwriting tests. Doyou want to here the bad news or the awful news first."Bill sighs "bad I guess"."The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh! Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...
What'sthe awful news? !"The FBI agents look at each other..."The hand writing was Hillary's"
What has four legs and smells like fish? Clinton's desk.
Shortest Book of the Month:Ronald Reagan's "Memories"
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead? A: His heart stops bleeding.
One day a boy and his father were at the dining room tableworking on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapterabout government. The boy turns to his father and asks,"Dad, how many people work in the U.
S. government?"The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about ten percent."
Monica Lewinsky's tell-all book about her affair with the U.
S. Presidenthas, for one Winnipeg Chapters outlet, not sold all that well after itsfirst day on the shelves, as reported by CBC Radio News.
To draw attention to the book, or to perhaps add some perspective, theLewinksy book had three other titles surrounding it on its display:"Divorce for Dummies""100 Ways to Leave Your Lover""How to Remove Stains"
Saddam HUSSEIN of Iraq wanted a special postage stamp issued,with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General,stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearingcomplaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and becomefurious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and orderedhim to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, andthen reported on the problem to him.
He said:" Sir, the stamp is really of international quality.
The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
When white man found this land, Indians were running it.
There were:- No Taxes- No Debt- Plenty buffalo- Plenty beaver- Medicine man free- Women did all the work- Men hunted and fished all the time The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!
What is George W. Bush's favorite town in Texas? Kilgore,
TX
Working With The FBIThe phone rings at FBI headquarters."Hello?""Hello, is this the FBI?""Yes. What do you want?""I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He ishiding marijuana inside his firewood.""Thank you very much for the call, sir."The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. Theysearch the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bustopen every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear atThibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house."Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?""Yeah!""Did they chop your firewood?""Yep""Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Bill of No Rights by Lewis W. Napper We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone getalong, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep ournation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-freeliberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try onemore time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for theterminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinkobedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people wereconfused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of NoRights.
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any otherform of wealth.
More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeinganything.
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based onfreedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leavethe room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the worldis full of idiots, and probably always will be.
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriverin your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturerto make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the mostcharitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but weare quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation ofprofessional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation ofanother generation of professional couch potatoes.
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but fromthe looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest ofus get together and kill you.
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat,or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprisedif the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you stillwon't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives inforeign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governmentsand won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.
However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spendso much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a militaryuniform and a funny hat.
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one,and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to takeadvantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laidbefore you to make yourself useful.
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that youhave the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easierif you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created bythose around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Copyright #169; Lewis W. Napper. All Rights Reserved.http://oscar.teclink.net/~napper napper@felix.
TECLink.
Net
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find outthat she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator ofNew York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! Howcould you? ? ! ! ! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! ! ! Your fault! ! ! Well, what haveyou got to say? ? ?"There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screamsagain, "Did you hear me? ? ! !" Finally she hears Bill's very, veryquiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays. Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.
One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.
They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was geting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.
Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream.
The limo driver stopped the car immediatly to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate. "What happened? !" asked Bill. "I ran over a pig," replied his driver. Bill Clinton looked horrified. "Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been their's." So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a half hours. Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been. "Do you know how long you've been gone? ! What happened up there?" he asked. The limo driver, happily confused, replied, "Those people up there threw me a huge party." Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, "What? Why?" The limo driver started up his car and answered, "I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig."
TOP 10 McGreevey jokes.... 10 NJ state bird - swallow. 9 New Jersey Turnpike renamed Hershey Highway. 8 NJ raises terror alert level to lavender. 7 We know he didn't like bush, but this is ridiculous. 6 Now we know why McGreevey enjoyed "polling" so much. 5 What does McGreevey and the Israeli navy have in common? Jewish seamen. 4 NJ DMV now calls rear-end accidents a "mcgreevey". 3 Gives new meaning to "stuffing the ballot box". 2 Post headline: "McGreevey goes down!" 1 It shouldn't take McGreevey long to get out of the governor's mansion - he's already got all his schitt packed!
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown? A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician werearguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the doctor, "without aphysician mankind could not have survived, so I amsure that mine is the oldest profession." "No," said the engineer, "before life beganthere was complete chaos, and it took an engineerto create some semblance of order from this chaos.
So engineering is older." "But," chirped the triumphant politician,"who created the chaos?"
President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!""Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister."I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?""Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien."Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton."Oui?""Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton."No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms."I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica.""Consider it done," said the President of Trojan."Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter.""Easily done. Anything else?""Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart. So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" lawyer asked. "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go," minister replied.
The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.
He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!" "Honestly?" The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"
BUY YUGO WAR BONDSFor $25 US dollars you can invest in the future of a developingcountry just out of the clutches of communism.
What your $$$ buyz: Russian ammo for one freedom fighter forone month for the ethnic clensing! Their motto: I wanns be like Ike! A little behind the times, BUT! They model themselves after the US of A.
They want to establish a land- first ridding themselves ofundesireables (like the US did against the native inhabitants)Why not? What's good enough for US is good enuff for them!
A bus filled with politicians was driving through thecountryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver,caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control andcrashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash andrushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicianshe buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question theman. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the policeofficer. "Were they all dead?" The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but youknow how politicians lie."
What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?"Not according to Dad."
A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party?" "About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly. "NO!" exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches?" "Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!"
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it." "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it." "This is my final position, and I will not compromise!"
Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter."'It's me, Bill Clinton." "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton."Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
How do you stop a taliban tank ? Shoot the Guy Pushing it
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide? A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failedexperiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was ademagogue. When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evilempire, I knew he was a dangerous kook. When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War byescalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclearannihilation. When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiatedits past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reaganhad nothing to do with it. Because if that fool Reagan was right all along... ...what kind of fool am I? --Jules Feiffer
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the HouseGingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in acar together in Kansas. A tornado comes along andwhirls them up into the air and tosses them thousandsof yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from thevehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. TheWizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.
Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.
Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consultswith astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chainsmokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleepsuntil noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart ofbrandy every evening.
Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't hadany illicit affairs.
Which of these candidates is your choice? ? Candidate A is Franklin D. RooseveltCandidate B is Winston ChurchillCandidate C is Adolph HitlerSent by Marina
One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked."Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked."Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. Abe replied, "Go to the theater."
1. I be God. Don' be dissin me. 2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib. 3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play dat.4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee. 5. Don' dis ya mama...an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither. 6. Don' ice ya bros. 7. Stick to ya own woman. 8. Don' be liftin no goods. 9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies. 10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.
Osama bin Laden threatened Russia: If you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you too!