A woman telephoned her local newspaper to let them know that she had just given birth to eighteen children. The reporter didn't quite hear the message and said, "Would you repeat that?" "Not if I can help it," replied the woman.
Customer: That crust on the apple pie was too tough.
Waiter: That wasn't the crust, that was the pie plate.
Waiter: I'm sorry I spilled a glass of water on you.
Diner: That's all right. My suit is too large anyway.
Customer: Waiter, I can't eat this meal.
Waiter: Why not? It looks all right to me.
Customer: I don't have a fork.
An 8th grade boy was doing some research for his career report at school. He asks his dad, "Father, how many wildlife biologists work for the Federal Government?""The honest father replies, "Oh, I would say at least half of 'em."
Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt! Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.
Diner: Waiter, please close the window.
Waiter: Why, is there a draft? Diner: Yes, it's blown my steak off the plate three times.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow-worm? He has a flashing light.
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4,500," said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. 'I've finally got job security!"
My husband's business is rather up-and-down - he makes yo-yos.
A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?" The man said, "I've come to install the phone."
A Pastor, a Doctor and an Engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What`s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don? t know, but I? ve never seen such inaptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let? s have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what? s with that group ahead of us? They? re rather slow, aren? t they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that? s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I? m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there? s anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can? t these guys play at night?"
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
Waiter: If you know the food here is so lousy, why do you keep coming back? Customer: It reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,drove through a school zone within the legal speed limitwhen the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture ofhis license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a thirdtime, at an even slower speed. Same result."This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-dutyofficer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,he discovered three traffic tickets:Each for not wearing a seat belt!
One evening this Columbia Yuppie was stopped for allegedly drunken driving and was given a breath test by the Howard County Police."Well ?" he asked somewhat belligerently as the Desk Sergeant slowly read the print out and entered the information in the arrest record."Disappointing to say the least," the Sergeant replied. "Chateau Duvalier... 1962... rather thin... not aged well at all."
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout."You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"The Englishman spoke first."Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men.""That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."The terrorist turned finally to the America n."What is your last request?"The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"
The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. "Name?" "Brendan O'Connor." "Same as mine. Where are you from?" "County Cork." "Same as me......" The policeman paused with his pen in the air. "Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."
How many cops does it take to change light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Only one, but he has to see an officer do it first.
Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along."
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?""Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup ! Yes sir, thats the manager, the last customer was a witch doctor !
Polceman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night."Man: "What's the charge?"Polceman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.
There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out."YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer."Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!""No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"
CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig cooler? WAITER: Sure, spray him with a hose.
How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
Q: How so you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology? A: A Buy-ologist.
Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window? He wanted to see a butterfly.
What did the police officer say to his stomach? I've got you under a vest.
Q: Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't Walk."
Motorist: Why are you crying after giving me that ticket? Policeman: It was a moving violation.
HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! ! What did you do with them ?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?""No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
Waiter, waiter! There's a dead spider in my soup. Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water.
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Patron: Waiter, why is there a spider in my glass? Waiter: It scares away the flies.
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.
The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.
After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"