Why did the electrician close early on Mondays? Because business was very light.
Waiter: Why didn't you make all the food on that long order? Cook: Because I'm a short order cook.
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!
The police are looking for a thief with one eye Why don't they use two?
Waiter (serving soup): It looks like rain today.
Patron: Yes it does, but it smells like soup.
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
How many LA cops does it take to change light bulb? Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
Waiter, I can't eat this meat, it's crawling with maggots ! Quick, run to the other end of the table and grab it as it goes by !
Police Chief: Why did you ticket the computer? Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.
A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim."I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company."Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head."You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?""Yeah, but" stammered the farmer."A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly."Yes," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said."Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?"
On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said,'I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof.' Reluctantly, the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof. 'Now,' said his father, 'when I say, "Jump," I want you to jump off the roof.' 'But, Dad,' said the boy, 'there's a huge drop! ' 'Do you want to succeed in business? ' 'Yes, Dad.' 'And you trust me, don't you? ' 'Yes, Dad.' 'So do as I say and jump.' The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised. His father went racing down the stairs and ran up to him. That was your first lesson in business, son. Never trust anyone.'
Customer: This fish isn't as good as what I ordered here last month.
Waiter: That's funny. It's from the same fish.
Diner: Could I have a glass of water? Waiter: To drink? Diner: No, I want to rinse out a few things.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different limbs,... at different levels,... some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full ofsmiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing butassholes.
Waiter, your tie is in my soup! That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
A couple of biologists had twins.
One they called John and the other control.
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was ,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work."Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!""That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"