When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him. One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars". All of the kids called out their guesses. One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country." "That's excellent" said the teacher. Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves." "That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite. One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France." Another excellent choice said the teacher. Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand. nSo the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?" And Abraham said "Jesus Christ." The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money. At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus. Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business!"
What do you get if you cross a newsreader and a toad ? A croaksman !
Woman: Officer you must help. I've just lost my wig. Police officer: Certainly, ma'am, we'll comb the area.
Diner: May I please have a glass of water? Waiter: Why, are you thirsty? Diner: No, I want to see if my neck leaks.
Police officer: And what do you think you are doing on this road, Dracula? Dracula: Looking for the main artery, officer.
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "your first job will be to sweep out the store.""But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly."Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Waiter, what's this bug doing waltzing around my table ! It's the band, sir, they are playing his tune !
While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.
A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?"After a moment the man replied, ... "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? It's fly soup sir!
One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.
Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names."Shut Up", replied Shut Up."Stupid", replied Stupid.
The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. "Excuse Me!" shouted the chief.
Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names."Shut Up!""Stupid!"The police chief was very riled. He then asked" Are you looking for trouble?"! ! ! Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?"
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
An honest weatherman says, "Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm wrong."
Waiter, there is a maggot in my soup ! Don't worry sir, he won't last long in there !
Customer: I didn't order this.
Waiter: I know, but your meal tastes worse.
How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?"We just report the facts, we don't change them."
A Captain asked a sailor, "Where did your father die?" "He drowned at sea." "And your grandfather?" "At sea too." "Aren? t you afraid of the sea?" The sailor retorted, "Sir, where did your father die?""In bed." "And your grandfather?" "In bed too." "Sir, aren? t you afraid to go to bed every night where your father and grandfather died?"
When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service. The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he did the work. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks, "Does your boss know you are discouraging business?" "Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers". "After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs"
Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?""Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview! ) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.
The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?""No," says the cop."What about all these other cars?""They didn't ask!"
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously."What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?""I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbedher purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman wasable to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in thecar and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the carand told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.
Those who don't know are also in two groups.
One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
Customer: Waiter, there's a button in my salad.
Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing.
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.""Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.""Well, then we need a urine sample.""I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.""Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.""I can't do that, officer.""Why not?""Because I'm too drunk to do that!"
Waiter, there is a spider drowning in my soup ! It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir !
A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer. Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, "What do you have for collateral?" The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant. Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says, "I don't know. I'm going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this." He goes into Mr. Larson's office and comes back. Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with the elephant and says, "It's a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan!"
Q: What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors? A: A superior being.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight million years.
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office. As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap. Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter... "And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town."Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'.""Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut.""In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup ! Yes sir, and I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters too !
"Waiter ! Have you got frogs' legs ?" "No, sir, I always walk this way"
What do you get if you cross a radio music presenter with Match of the Day ? DDDDDDDDDDDDDJ !
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!". "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Customer: How come the Board of Health hasn't come in and closed you up? Waiter: They're afraid to eat here.