Boss: "I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase." Employee: "That's because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?" Boss: "Right. Except for the 'us' part."
A policeman stops a car and suggests an apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing shows: positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the instrument isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a teetotaler. She blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid on the backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go. They take off and the man says to his wife:- And you kept telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give the kid any alcohol! !
CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig shake? WAITER: Tell him the wolf is coming.
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a wantad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a verynervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself."I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "Butmainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""Excuse me?" the accountant said."I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.""I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?""I'll start you at eighty thousand.""Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such asmall business afford a sum like that?""That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains justbecame too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.
Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted t he speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, there is aguy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass....
When Bernard got fired from his last job they were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the executive toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company car, and even give back his ulcer!
Q: what's a biologists definition of a graphA: an animal with a long neck
Diner: Why are the waiters in here so nasty? Waiter: Look at who they have to serve.
A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate.
On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees.
The next day they read the headlines in the local paper:Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.
Customer: Why don't you have doggie bags? Waiter: That would be cruelty to animals.
Customer: How long must I wait for that turtle soup I ordered? Waiter: Well, you know how slow turtles are.
A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks. Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. " If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise.......well... He'll probably die"On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" she replied. "Honey.....he says you're probably going to die."
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
Waiter, there is a fly in my bean soup ! Don't worry sir I'll fish him out and exchange it for a bean !
Police Chief: Why did you arrest that doctor? Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.
I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?
Diner: What's wrong with these eggs I ordered? Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex actly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
Waiter: Why are you taking so long to order? Diner: I can't decide whether I want heartburn or nausea.
"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . ."
This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000." "What does he know?""He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.""How about the second one?""The second parrot costs $5,000.""What does he know?""He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.""Then what is the price for the third one? , the buyer is wondering.""This one costs $20,000.""Really? ! , wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?""This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'"
Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
'I'm very sad to announce this morning, girls, that Miss Jones has decided to retire,' said the principal at morning assembly. ' Now we will all stand and sing this morning's hymn....now Thank We All Our God.'
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me? ' The guy s aid, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me? ' This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.' The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. Then he had the third interview.. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me? ' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses.' Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell? ' The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You can't wear glasses if you d on't have any ears! '
Waiter, are there snails on the menu ! Yes sir, they must have escaped from the kitchen !
The Ten Commandments Of EmploymentIf it rings, put it on hold.
If it clunks, call the repairman.
If it whistles, ignore it.
If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
If it's the boss, look busy.
If it talks, take notes.
If it's handwritten, type it.if it's typed, copy it.
If it's copied, file it.
If it's Friday, forget it!
Waiter, waiter! There's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager! It's no good, sir, he's frightened of them, too.
Waiter, my lunch is talking to me ! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich !
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK? ! ? ! ? Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
"Now as I understand it, Sir," said the police officer to the motorist, "you were driving this vehicle when the accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened?""I'm afraid not, officer," replied the motorist. "I had my eyes shut!"
Cop: Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there? Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning, Mr. Mayor."Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir
Dan had been studying whales for over 20 years and had made some thrilling breakthroughs regarding their communication. He had managed to decode many of their underwater sounds and to translate them into English. His latest research had proved that they can communicate over a distance of 300 miles. When asked what could they possibly have to say at such distances he replied, "As best as we can figure, it is something like - Hey, can you hear me now?
Waiter, waiter! There's a mosquito in my soup. Don't worry sir, mosquitoes have very small appetites !
Did you hear about the businessman who is so rich he has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty? It's for people who can't swim!
Another friend of mine is a very successful businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes fifty-five million.
Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.