Diner: Could I have a glass of water? Waiter: To drink? Diner: No, I want to rinse out a few things.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Q: what's a biologists definition of a graphA: an animal with a long neck
Dan had been studying whales for over 20 years and had made some thrilling breakthroughs regarding their communication. He had managed to decode many of their underwater sounds and to translate them into English. His latest research had proved that they can communicate over a distance of 300 miles. When asked what could they possibly have to say at such distances he replied, "As best as we can figure, it is something like - Hey, can you hear me now?
What business is King Kong in? Monkey business.
Why do Iraqi police officers walk in threes? The first knows how to read, the second knows how to write and the third is to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window? He wanted to see a butterfly.
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a wantad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a verynervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself."I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "Butmainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.""Excuse me?" the accountant said."I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.""I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?""I'll start you at eighty thousand.""Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such asmall business afford a sum like that?""That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said,'I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof.' Reluctantly, the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof. 'Now,' said his father, 'when I say, "Jump," I want you to jump off the roof.' 'But, Dad,' said the boy, 'there's a huge drop! ' 'Do you want to succeed in business? ' 'Yes, Dad.' 'And you trust me, don't you? ' 'Yes, Dad.' 'So do as I say and jump.' The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised. His father went racing down the stairs and ran up to him. That was your first lesson in business, son. Never trust anyone.'
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.""Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman."What are you doing out here at 2 A.
M.?" said the officer."I'm going to a lecture." the man said."And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked."My wife." said the man.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is m ore important than the President? !"The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."
- Santa Claus, one smart and one stupid policeman are walking together when they spotted hundred dollars on the ground. Who will take the money? - ? ? ? - Stupid policeman, since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don't exist.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
Customer: Why doesn't this restaurant have any specials? Waiter: Because nothing about this food is special.
One evening this Columbia Yuppie was stopped for allegedly drunken driving and was given a breath test by the Howard County Police."Well ?" he asked somewhat belligerently as the Desk Sergeant slowly read the print out and entered the information in the arrest record."Disappointing to say the least," the Sergeant replied. "Chateau Duvalier... 1962... rather thin... not aged well at all."
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some t ime and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
Waiter, your tie is in my soup! That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.
One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.
The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.
Customer: This fish isn't as good as what I ordered here last month.
Waiter: That's funny. It's from the same fish.
How do you eat a DNA spaghetti? With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)
Waiter, there is a frog in my soup ! Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him !
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.
I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?
A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor.""There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?""No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says."But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?""Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm."This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections fromall the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deafperson for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able tocommunicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends someof their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deafcollector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can'tcommunicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" rThe deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." Theinterpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about." The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deafcollector. "NOW ask him where the money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in thethird tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know whatyou're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull thetrigger."
What do you get if you cross a ghost and a newsreader ? A spooksman !
Why did the electrician close early on Mondays? Because business was very light.
When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.
I'm always delighted when people stick their noses in my business - my company makes paper tissues.
How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?"We just report the facts, we don't change them." Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk."Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says."Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible. Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
What will a monster eat in a restaurant? The waiter.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! What do you expect for $1 - a live one?