Yo mama is so fat her ass formed it's own website.
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
She has a pretty little head-- for a head, it's pretty little.
What jumps up and down in front of a car ? Froglights !
Santa made a phone call and he said: Is it 3716120? The reply came: No, it is 3716121 Santa: No problem, Please call Banta from next door.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."
I saw a garbage truck driving yesterday. You never told me you were moving.
The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money-Jay Leno
Winnie and Piglet sit on the bank of the river and smoke dope.
A crocodile comes out of the river:- Hey pals, let me have a whiff.- Get lost, oh green one!- Come on guys, just one!- Go %@~# yourself!
So what would you do? Well, the crocodile swallows Piglet and sits in his place.
Winnie, inhaling, is holding the butt out to Piglet and suddenly sees a crocodile.- W-ell, it seems enough for you, pig!
What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape?
He was colour-blind.
Q: Why was math book depressed? A: It had nothing but probs
Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone? She thought children should be seen and not herded!
When do e-mails stop being in black and white? When they are read.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Santa, "I am a proud father. My son is in medical college. Banta, "What is he studying?" Santa, "He's not studying, they r studying him!"
What didn't Adam and Eve have that everyone else has? Parents.
Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you!
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: ONE POINTRun one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINTSBabble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINTSAt the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
When the boy started Kindergarten, the teacher asked all the children to give their first name. When she got to thelittle boy in the second row, he said: "I'll give you ahint. First it's in your hand, then it's in your mouth,and then it's in your tummy."The teacher smiled and said: "OK, Dick, sit down."
How do fireflies lose weight? They burn calories.
When is it unlucky to see a black cat ?
When your a mouse !
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ?
She lays hand gren-eggs !
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
A son is calling his mom from college, and telling her that he had just got his degree. The mother says: That's great honey! What kind of degree? And the son, almost squealing with excitement says: The best one ever, a Celsius degree!
Where do astronauts leave their spaceships ? At parking meteors !
Knock Knock Who's there! Adeline! Adeline who? Adeline extra to the letter!
One day a wife of a hunter found him with his lover. She took a gun and aimed it at her husband's testicles. The hunter, "Stop! Don't do that! It's unfair! You don't give me a chance to save!" The wife, "Ok, sway them to and fro."
Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? A: You are too young to smoke
Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ? A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow-worm? He has a flashing light.
All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.
It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill. BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.
CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!"DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.
ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look." EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").
HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again. MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.
RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.
TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.
TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?