A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."
Doctor, Doctor! my sister thinks she's an elevator.
Tell her to come in.
I can't. She doesn't stop at this floor.
Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to takeyour pick? Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morningto find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. "Out drinking again! ?" she says."How much money did you spend this time?" "$100," answers the man. "$100!" she shouts."That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!" "Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke,you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan."Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" asked the instructor."Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.""Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed."Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Conversation over dinner: WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Oh Shit.
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby MoveFirst Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.
Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.
Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.
Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.
The Trip to the HospitalFirst Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H; contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.
Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.
Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.
Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.
The First StepFirst Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.
Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.
Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.
Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.
The First Time the Child Fell and Got a CutFirst Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.
Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.
Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.
Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had movedinto the house next door. He was also quick to noticethat the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usuallyin a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair ofbreasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as muchas possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he couldstand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor'shouse, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man,opened the door."Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing howbeautiful your wife is.""Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied."Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breastsare. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss thosebreasts."The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appearsand stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for afew moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside."OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kissmy wife's tits."At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desirehang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rubhis face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes,until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" hegrowls."I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away."Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now."I don't have ten thousand dollars."
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his newson-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into thefamily," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you,
I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have todo is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand thenoise.""I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in theoffice and take charge of some of the operations.""I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand beingstuck behind a desk all day.""Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you ahalf-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't likefactories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do withyou?""Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out! ! !"
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. Wedding cake!
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a strollin the fields when they came across a cow and acalf rubbing noses."Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want todo the same.""Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance thanto improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, whoare the men fooling around with?
Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tiredof eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearingshabby clothes.""Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very samereasons."
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man towhisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn." "What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband. "In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting ."My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her."Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?""He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
The tri stages of sex in marriage- 1.
Tri-weekly 2.
Try-weekly 3.
Try-weakly
Why do you live like a NUN after you get married? NUN in the morning, NUN in the afternoon, NUN in the evening, NUN what so ever! Sent by Tiffany
NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands? SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife.""But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker."I got married again," the man sobbed."Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don'tforget to give this letter to George.'"
Talbot and his son James were called to Mrs. Cren-shaw's classroom. "Mr. Talbot," said the teacher, "I asked James 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln? ' and he said that he didn't do it!" "Well, teacher," said Talbot, "if my kid said he didn't do it he didn't do it!" Father and son left the school, and on their way home Talbot turned to the boy and asked, "Tell me, son, did you do it?" '
What do Marriage and a Tornado have in common? Well you start off with a lot of blowing and then sucking,and then next thing you know your house is gone!
A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."
"My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis," mumbles an angrybiker to one of his buddies. "No," says the friend, "people don't die of syphilis anymore." The angry biker replies, "They do when they give it to me!"
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens."It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?""Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"
Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new positionfor lovemaking.""Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?""Back to back.""But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back.""Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out."
I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him adivorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him ahappy man.
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in thecrotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally getshimself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on myhoneymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let itheal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he tookfour tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage andwired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and ontheir honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse toreveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he eversaw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched thesebreasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look atthis, it's still in the CRATE !"
Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gatheredaround him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.
Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last timebefore I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."
The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so whenhe left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective toinvestigate. A few days later he received this letter.
Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house,
He come to house.
He and she leave house,
I follow.
He and she go to hotel,
I climb tree to see.
He kiss she,she kiss he.
He strip she,she strip he.
I play with me,
I fall out of tree,
I not see.
No fee,
Chen Lee
I went out with my girlfriend and asked her,"Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end upspending hundreds of dollars?""Because I'm a prostitute."
An irate father stormed into the principal's office. "I demand to know," he screamed, "why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination." "Now, don't get excited," said the principal. "We'll get your Winslow's English teacher in here. I'm sure she has some explanation." A few minutes later, the English teacher arrived. "Why did you give Winslow a zero on his English final?" demanded the father. "I had no choice," said the schoolmarm. "He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it." "That's no excuse," shouted the father. "You could have at least given him an 'A' for neatness!"