Banta and Santa were working on a roof, when Banta slipped and fell to the ground. Santa leaned over and called out: "Are you dead or alive, Banta?" "Alive," moaned Banta. "You are a liar. I donot know whether to believe you or not," said Santa "Then I must be dead," said Banta, "because you wouldnot dare call me a liar if I were alive."
Once Banta met Santa at market place. Banta asked,"Santa can I give you lift." Santa replied, "No, Thanks I live on ground floor." Email:Prabhdeep_2000@yahoo.com
Santa was shifting his residence. He was packing his belongings. By midnight he was too tired and dozed off with the house door open. A sound woke him up. A thief was packing valuables. Santa found it very amusing; the thief was doing the job for him!"When this smart guy finishes packing, I will catch him". Santa was a hefty guy; so when the burglar finished packing, Santa Singh jumped on him and tied him up. Then he went to the police station and reported the matter. "What did you do to the thief"?"I tied his hands; you come and collect him". "I hope you tied his legs too". Santa felt a cold feeling in his spine; he had forgotten about the legs. He sat down for a while.
Then he cheered up and said, "Inspector Sab, the thief, he will still be there". "How do you know"?"Well, that fellow is a Sardarji"
Court scene: [Santa and Banta are lawyers] Santa : You are a fool Banta : And you are a damn fool. Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case.
Santa and Banta were sitting down to their usual morningcup of coffee listening to the weather report on theradio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, anda snow emergency has been declared," the weather reportsaid. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered sideof the streets." Santa said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morningcups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency hasbeen declared. You must park your cars on the evennumbered side of the streets." Again Santa replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from hiscoffee. Two days later, again they`re sitting down with theircups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "Therewill be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snowemergency has been declared. You must park your carson the..." and the power went out and Santa didn`t getthe rest of the instructions. He turned to Banta, "Jeez, what am I going to do now,
Banta?" Banta replied, "Aw, Santa, just leave the car in thedarned garage today."
Santa in Delhi made a trunk call to his old friend in Amritsar. `Banta yarr,` He said, `I am in great difficulty. Can you send me Rs 500? I will return them within a month.` `Hello! Hello! ` replied Banta, `I cannot hear you. The line is very faint.` Santa repeated more loudly, `Send me Rs 500. I will return them soon.` "I cannot hear a word,` replied Banta, `you ring me another time.` The operator who was listening, interrupted, `The line is absolutely clear. Your friend in Delhi wants you to send him Rs 500.` Banta snapped back at the operator, `If you can hear him clearly, why do not you lend him Rs 500?
There is a funeral procession of a Sardar going on a busy street. All the Sardars in the mayyat (funeral procession) are dancing to the tunes of bhangra and singing and general balle balle is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if it is a marriage baraat(procession). So one of them asks Santa , "Santaji, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho ?" (Someone near or Dear has died and you all are dancing) .....comes the reply, "Haan Ji ! Hai hi gaal badi kushi di ! (Yeah! It is a thing of happiness), Aaj paheli vaar ek sardar brain tumour se mara hai !" (For the first time, a Sardar has died of Brain Tumour)
Santa finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he s in serious financial trouble. He is so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray........... "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I have lost my business and if I do not get some money, I am going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Santa goes back to the temple..................... "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I have lost my business, my house and I am going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Santa still has no luck! ! Back to the temple.................. "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I have lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.. I do not often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ?". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Santa is confronted by the voice of Lord : "SANTA , BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".
Santa was recently hired at an office. His first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well his first day on the job, he grabbed a thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. Santa held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take his order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Santa asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" Santa sighed in relief. "I`ll have three regular and three black."
Santa went to Banta s house and said, "Oye Banteya, lets go to London" Banta replied "Yes Santa, par mainu English nahin aandi" (I can t speak English) Santa assures Banta that his English skills are better than average, and that he d take care of him in London. Santa and Banta reach London, and pretty soon are sauntering down the middle of a fairly busy road! A Gori Mem(blonde) pulls up behind them in her Austin Princess and starts of in English ...... Oh Man! ,,, You are jay-walking BLAH BLAH don t you have any regard For the traffic rules in this country ... etc.. etc.. Santa turns around, looks at the Gori Mem, and Starts rattling off the following at a fairly brisk Pace. "To the Principal, Government High secondary school, Village Noorpur, Post Office Noorpur, Tehsil Jalandhar, District Jalandhar, Punjab, India. Sir ... I am having severe stomach aches since yesterday, and my Phamily doctor has recomended bed rest! .... Please grant me two days sick leave. Yours Obediently .... Santa." The Gori is quite baffled at the sudden outburst from Santa, and quitely gets into her car and leaves. Banta is amazed. He runs up to Santa and says "Oye Santa, tu taan phate chak dite"! Us gori de takkar di angrazi bol ke" (You put that gori back in her place, your English sounds better than hers) Santa Shrugs off Banta and says: "oye yeh taa kuch bhi nahin, je jaada tain tain kardi na .... mainu Thirsty Crow te Greedy Daag Dono aande se dono suna dene se" (that was only a sample, if she would have stuck around I would have recited thirsty crow and Greedy dog for her as well).
Santa and his son attended a horse auction. Son was watching Santa as he moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses` legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, he asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" "Because I`m thinking of buying these horses." Santa`s son looked worried and said, "Then I think we`d better hurry home right away!" "Why?" Santa asked. "Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
A cop pulls up Santa and Banta, drunk, and says to Santa, "What is your name and address ?" "I am Santa, of no fixed address." The cop turns to Banta, and asks the same question. "I am Banta, and I live in the flat above Santa."
Santa was having trouble with his computer. So he called the computer guy, over to his desk. He clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Santa called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an "ID ten T" error." A puzzled expression ran over Santa`s face. "An "ID ten T" error? What`s that? .. in case I need to fix it again." "Haven`t you ever heard of an "ID ten T" error before?" "No," replied Santa. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you`ll figure it out." He wrote..... I D 1 0 T
Santa and his wife lives in a small house in Chandigarh. One day Santa`s wife, Jeeto, asks Santa to fix a cupboard door, since one of the hinges was broken. His reply was "Do I look like a carpenter? I`m a Photographer, not a carpenter. Get a carpenter to fix the door". A few days later, Jeeto asks him to fix a dripping tap. Again Santa replies "Do I look like a plumber? I`m a photographer, not a plumber. Get a plumber to fix the tap". A week later, Santa notices that both the tap and the door have been fixed, so he asks Jeeto who fixed it. She replied "I met a handyman in town, and he offered to fix the door and the tap if I either bake him a cake or have sex with him". Santa asked "So what kind of cake did you bake? Jeeto replied "Do I look like a baker?"...
Having lost his donkey, Santa got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?" Santa replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I was not riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
Santa, a Madrasi and a Gujarati were waiting for a bus when a dangerous-looking guy approached them. He suddenly pulled out a syringe with blood inside it and said in a menacing tone - "Give me all your valuables or I ll pierce you with this needle. This contains AIDS infected blood!" Our friends were naturally alarmed - all except Santa. The Madrasi immediately gave away all his valuables. The Gujju bargained with the stranger and gave away half of his belongings. Santa, however, was unfazed. He refused to part with his money. In anger and frustration, the guy pricked Santa with the needle and ran away. The alarmed Madrasi and Gujju asked Santa - "How could you do this? Now you will get AIDS surely!" Santa coolly replied - " No! I won t! I am wearing a condom".
Banta fell in love with a college girl but did not know how to propose marriage to her. After much thinking he asked, "Sujata, would you like to be the mother of my children ?" Sujata replied, "Why not ? How many you have?"
Santa and Banta are employed in a computer hardware store as movers. One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Santa being energetic that day does not feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Banta is struggling very hard to lift his computer. At this Santa says, "What Banta, my computer has 500 MB Hard Disk yours has just 250, even then you cannot lift it?" At this Banta thinks for a while and replies "That is right, but my HD is full and yours is empty"
Santa, Banta and one of their friends are patients in a mental institution and are preparing for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If they pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes them to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then Banta jumps and breaks both legs. Santa looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You`re a free man. Just tell me why didn`t you jump?" asked the doctor. To which Santa answered, "Well Doc, I can`t swim!"
A very religious man, Santa, lived right next door to Banta, an atheist. Santa prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord. However, Banta`s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas Santa`s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn`t give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, Banta, who doesn`t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN`T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
On retirement form the army, Santa and Banta settled in adjoining villages on the Kalka-Simla highway. One day Santa invited Banta to dinner to meet his visiting relations from London. Banta thought that as the path was steep it would be useful for him to take a lantern with him for use on the return journey. The party went on very well till about midnight, with a lot of wining and dining. Banta left in a jolly mood and reached home safely in the early hours. The next morning there was a knock on the door. "Santa Sahib sent me to enquired whether you reached home safe and sound last night," Santa`s servant said. With a smile, Banta replied, "Oh yes. There was no problem," The servant then said, "Sir, you left your lantern at our place; instead you brought along the cage of our parrot with you. I have come to return you lantern and take back the cage."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, our Santa, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house. A little later Santa came out of his house again,looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here Santa came again, looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him, "Is something wrong Santa ji?" To which Santa replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail ! !"
Through the center of Lahore there is the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever) which goes between India and Pakistan. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that is a fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!" The young woman is thinking : "Now that is a strange Pakistani soldier, he`d rather kiss that old hag than me." The Pakistani soldier is thinking : "Now that is a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped." And Santa is thinking : "Gee I am smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Pakistani soldier."
Teacher: What is the scientific formula for water? Santa: H.
I.
J.
K.
L.
M.
N.
O. Teacher: Nonsense! How did you arrive at that? Santa: Auntie, it is H to O (H2O)!
Santa with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But.. What happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back."
Santa was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read "padne wala gadha " (the one who reads this is donkey). Santa though for an hour, erased and wrote back, "Likhene wala gadha "(the one who writes this is donkey).
A taxi driver driving a Mercedes-Benz picked Santa at the airport one day. When Santa got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front is for. The driver replied "Why? It`s for lining it up at people so you can run them down". "Ah I see", said Santa. With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away and hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at Santa who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: "I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!".
Once Santa is traveling by train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front. The Santa thinks there is someone in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat. 5 minutes later he goes again, only to find the same person there. An hour passes away, he has made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there. So he finally gets ticked off, goes to the last compartment and tells the TC (Ticket Checker) what s been going on. The TC feels bad for him and promises to throw the bum out. The TC walks down to the compartment with the troubled bathroom to get the resident person out. Few minutes later the TC comes back and tell Santa, "I m sorry, I can not do anything. The guy in there is a railway staff member."
Santa went to a doctor and said, "Doctor, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts" The doctor asked Santa to touch his elbow. Santa touched his elbow and winced in genuine pain. The doctor was surprised and asked Santa to touch his head. Santa touched his head and jumped in agony. The doctor asked him to touch his knee and the same thing happened. Everywhere Santa touched, it hurt like hell. The doctor was stumped and ordered an complete examination with X-rays, etc and told Santa to come back after two days. Santa came back two days later and the doctor said," We have found your problem." "Oh yes? What is it?" asked Santa. "You have broken your finger!" replied the doctor.
The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager Santa kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Santa, Is this what I pay you for?" Santa coolly replied: "No Sir, this I do free of charge."
Indian army recently found it had too many Majors and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS five thousand for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring Major`s body between two points he chose. The first major accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of Rs 3,60,000 The second major asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 6 feet 4 inche. He walked out with a check for Rs 3,80,000 Now it was turn of our Santa. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to my balls." The pension man said that would be fine, but he`d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked Santa to drop `em. He did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of Santa`s penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your balls?" The general replied, "In Kargil."
Once Santa and Banta try to land an airplane in the States. They start descending and as they touch the ground Santa screams, the runway is ending...". Banta swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, Santa screams again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...". Banta swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again... During their fourth descent Santa says : "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..", "I know" answers Banta, "But look how wide they made it...."
Santa is speaking to his psychiatrist. Santa: "I`m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don`t you have a phone in your car?" Santa: "That`s a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How`s that working?" Santa: "Actually, I haven`t gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" Santa: "I figured it`s because when I`m driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
Santa (tourists guide), was talking with a group of school kids at Zoo when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf. "Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon." "What did you do?" the little girl asked. "What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast." "How did you get away?" "As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage."
Banta was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him, if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should not put up such misleading notices," said Banta. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
Santa was flling up a application for a job. He promptly filled the columns captioned name, age, address, etc. Then he came to the column salary expected. He was not sure as what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote: yes !
Once Santa was on a travelling by train. As fate should have, he was in the last compartment. Now the problem was, whenever the train stopped at a station his compartment would never be on the platform. So the poor guy always had to jump out at stations to fetch water and eatables. By the time he reached his destination, Santa was really pepped up and ran straight to the station master`s office to lodge a complaint. This is what he wrote. "Please see to it that there is no last compartment in any train. If you still insist on having a last compartment, please put it somewhere in the middle".
Dad who`ll bring the gifts for us on christmas.
Hope God is appointing new Santa Real soon...
Santa and Banta were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. Banta in the passenger seat thought to himself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. Banta was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that he was losing it. Banta was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, he turned to Santa and said,"Santa, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Santa turned to her and said, "Oh my, am I driving?"
An Englishman, an American and Santa are called upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine is silent. The Santa says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.