Where do football directors go when they are fed up? The bored room!
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder playerFan: Why's that? Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners(b) Southerners(c) Northerners9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? *You must answer three or more questionscorrectly to qualify*
Why did the chicken get sent off? For persistent fowl play!
A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar? All of them, a crossbar can't jump! Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches? They prefer cricket matches! What stories are told by basketball players? Tall stories! Who won the race between two balls of string? They we're tied! Why are football players never asked for dinner? Because they're always dribbling! Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear? Because he liked sole music! What tea do footballers drink? Penaltea! Where do footballers dance? At a football!
What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles? He makes a swish!
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs! Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder playerFan: Why's that? Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him! Why do artists never when they play football? They keep drawing! Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games? So that they can pack the defence! Where do old bowling balls end up? In the gutter! Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet? Player: I finished it in three days! What part of a football pitch smells nicest? The scenter spot!
Why did the goal post get angry ? Because the bar was rattled !
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?" "It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!" "Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?" "No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it." "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?" "Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed." "Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?" "No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!" The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?" "I found it."
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game."I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said."What do you mean?" he asked."Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back! '"
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? A: The police.
Q: What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
Why are football grounds odd? Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
What did the bumble bee striker say? Hive scored!
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
What is black and white and black and white and black and white? A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas? A: A huddle. Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? A: The police. Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore? A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb? Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel,and were standing in the lobby discussing their recenttournament victories. After about an hour,the managercame out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why?", they asked, as they moved off."Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boastingin an open foyer."
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK!"Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games ? So that they can pack the defence !
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas ? Ince pies !
One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle.
The following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.
He replied, "No thanks, I'm not into recycling."
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere!
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden? Hide the ball, it drives them nuts! What's tennis players favourite city? Volley wood! How does a physicist exercise? By pumping ion! Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run! What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy! What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas? Ince pies! What does a footballer and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks! Which football team loves ice-cream? Aston Vanilla!
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle? Somebody took a corner!
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before! Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
What's tennis players favourite city? Volley wood!
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches? They prefer cricket matches!
Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom? Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How? Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys."Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.""I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
Yogi Berra Quotes"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.""Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.""If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them.""No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded.""We made too many wrong mistakes.""You can observe a lot by just watching.""I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game."I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said."What do you mean?" he asked."Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back! '"
Who's On First(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows? BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --LOU: You know the fellows' names? BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.
BUD: YesLOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first base.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for? BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.
LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first? BUD: That's the man's name! LOU: That's who's name? BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The first baseman.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first? BUD: Certainly.
LOU: Then who's playing first? BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
LOU: Who is? BUD: Yes.
LOU: So who gets it? BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
LOU: Who's wife? BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.
LOU: Who does? BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.
BUD: Well, don't change the players around.
LOU: I'm not changing nobody.
BUD: Now, take it easy.
LOU: What's the guy's name on first base? BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
LOU: How could I get on third base? BUD: You mentioned his name.
LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third? BUD: No, Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay offa first, will ya? BUD: Well what do you want me to do? LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base? BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third.
LOU: There I go back on third again.
BUD: Well, I can't change their names.
LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.
BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.
LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.
BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: THIRD BASE! LOU: You got an outfield? BUD: Oh, sure.
LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield? BUD: Oh, absolutely.
LOU: The left fielder's name? BUD: Why.
LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.
BUD: Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay out of the infield! BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.
LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field? BUD: What is on second.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.
LOU: And the left fielder's name? BUD: Why.
LOU: Because.
BUD: Oh he's Center Field.
LOU: (whimpers) Center field.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.
BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: You don't want to tell me today? BUD: I'm tell you, man.
LOU: Then go ahead.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: What time? BUD: What time what? LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching? BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"BUD: Then why come up here and ask? LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE! LOU: You gotta Catcher? BUD: Yes.
LOU: The Catcher's name? BUD: Today.
LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.
BUD: Well I can't help that.
LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.
BUD: I know that.
LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
BUD: Well I might arrange that.
LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who? BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! ! ! ! ! BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.
LOU: is to throw it to first base.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now who's got it? BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Who has it? BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.
K.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.
LOU: Then who gets it? BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.
K.
BUD: All right.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
LOU: That's what I said.
BUD: You did not.
LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--LOU: Then who gets it? BUD: Naturally.
LOU: That's what I'm saying.
BUD: You're not saying that.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You throw it to Who! LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.
LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! BUD: Now don't get excited.
LOU: Whose gettin excited! ! I throw the ball to first base--BUD: Then Who gets it.
LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT! BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.
LOU: Hrmmph.
BUD: Hrmmph.
LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.
BUD: Uh-huh.
LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.
BUD: Yeah. It could be.
LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.
BUD: What did you say.
LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop! LOU: ABBOTT!
Where do religious school children practice sports? In the prayground!
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second? ! !" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres? ! !" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?" "It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!" "Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?" "No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it." "Well, what if you hit it into the woods?" "Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed." "Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?" "No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!" The golfer buys it at once . "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?" "Ummm, I found it."