One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
Customer: You said these pants were pure wool, but the label says "all cotton."Salesman: Oh, that's just to keep the moths away.
Teacher: What is the formula for water ? George: H,
I,
J,
K,
L,
M,
N,
O Teacher: Is that the formula I gave you ? George: Sure, you said H to O !
Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated? Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile! Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland! Pupil: A reindeerTeacher: Good, now name another.
Class: Another reindeer!
A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number -- room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them
Frankenstein: Help, I've got a short circuit! Igor: Don't worry, I'll lengthen it.
Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Shh! Don't make such a fuss. Soon everyone will want one.
Why are politicians like diapers? Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
What do you get if you cross a chemical and a bicycle ? Bike carbonate of soda !
Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together? A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!
Knock Knock Who's there! Asia! Asia who? Asia mum in?
Q: Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore?
A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
What happened to the man who turned into an insect ?
He just beetled off !
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." Sent by Zena
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it.""Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second."You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"
What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party? You're not owld enough.
Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage? She's afraid they'll bring down the house.
What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas' sleigh and is made of cement?
I don't know.
A reindeer!
What about the cement?
I just threw that in to make it hard.
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, " Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
Ever hear of the redneck who thought that "Manual Labor" was the new Mexican President?
There's a brunette standing in the middle of a street jumping up and down, counting "57, 57, 57." A blonde walks up to her and decides that this game could be fun. She asks the brunette if she can play too and the brunette says, "Sure." So the two jump up and down counting "57, 57, 57." Suddenly, the brunette jumps onto the curb and the blonde gets hit by a truck. The brunette goes back into the street and starts jumping again, counting "58, 58, 58."
Knock Knock Who's there? Cheese! Cheese who? Cheese a cute girl!
When a bull wants to listen to a cassette, what does he put on his head? Steer phones!
How do you make a rabbit fast? Don't feed it.
A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, "Dude,thank goodness you showed up!" "I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch."The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, "Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em." The friend said, "Ok". So the guy left.
A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, "I want a vibrator. What do you have?" The friend said, "We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones." The lady said, "I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag." He sold it to her. Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, "I would like a vibrator, what do you have?" The friend replied, "Red, black or white, large, medium or small. The woman asked, "Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?" The friend said, "Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want," so she bought it. A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, "Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?" The friend said, "Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos."
Out All Night Drinking An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again! !" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Now do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
Santa's keep dies. Her husband is calm but Santa furiously moans her death. Her husband finally consoles Santa. "Don't worry, I'll marry again"
What is a horse's favourite sport?
Stable tennis!
"Winnie The ? ? ? ?" It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got. "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........ "My dad got me a dog," she said. She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!" The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train! !" That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, "I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, "What was the title of the book? ?" The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, "Winnie The Shit! !"
What's the difference between Frankenstein and boiled potatoes? You can't mash Frankenstein.
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?""No."A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg."I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly."That's not my dog."
What's green and smells like pig? - Kermit's fingers.
What does a snowman eat for dinner? Ice-burgers.
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserablecold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hotbath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all thewindows and stand in the draft."But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia.""I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
What do you get if you cross a snake and a hotdog ? A fangfurter !sna
"Are you a member of any organized political party?" "No. I'm a Republican."
A drunk, after having had one too many, called up the bartender and asked him the distance between Dalhousie Square and Ballygunge in Calcutta. The bartender in all honesty answered, "Why Sir, it is 15 kilometers." The drunk then asked him the distance between Ballygunge and Dalhousie Square, which again the bartender answered as 15 kilometers. Whereupon the drunk accused the bartender of being heavy on the booze, asking how his answers could be correct as Monday to Friday and Friday to Monday could not be the same distance.
What do you call a fire at the Internet cafe? An e-mergency.
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear? Because he liked sole music!