Q. How do you get down from an aerial ladder? A. You don't get down from an aerial ladder. You get down from a duck.
William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ? Mum: What crying man ? William: The one that's crying, 'Ice cream! Ice Cream ! '
What does a Chinese restaurant serve for Easter? Coloured eggrolls!
When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs on his pipe and said, "I have an informal piece of advice for you, Miss Bell. There's only one way you can get along in this school without submitting to the sexual advances of theprincipal.""Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?""I'll explain it, " he continued, "as soon as you've undressed."
A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.
A rancher rode past."Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?""Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered."How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly."Oh, a good two miles."A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?""Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles.""Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.
The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds."That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."
Why don't astronauts get hungry after being blasted into space? Because they've just had a big launch.
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D; Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.) My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists) We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T; Lone Lines Division) We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards) As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles? ) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.
The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s.
As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place:Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
- How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? - None. People that glow in the dark don't need lights.
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general."You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?""Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it."
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'
Dinosaur #1: "How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Dinosaur #2: "What is an economist?" Dinosaur #1: "A flunkie mathematician who tries to predict the population of kangaroos in Australia. But that's not important and don't ask what a Kangaroo is." Dinosaur #2: "I don't know, how many?" Dinosaur #1: "10 economists and one grad student. One economist to make a model, one to run the regression, one to test the hypothesis, one to interpret the results, one to conclude how to screw it on, one grad student to screw it on, and five economists trying to fight off the dinosaurs trying to eat them.
Teacher: What do you think astronauts wear to keep warm? Girl: Apollo neck jumpers ?
Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles 7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit? 6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters 5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day 4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude" 3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center 2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island 1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"
Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning."Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!""The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George."Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: ONE POINTRun one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINTSBabble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINTSAt the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
Where do astronauts leave their spaceships ? At parking meteors !
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that? s right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.
Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.
NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.
Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.
CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.
Q: how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN! ! ! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW! ! ! ! !
How did rich people get their money? They were calm and collected.
What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T;, and it went something like this: Me: HelloAT&T;: Hello, this is AT&T....; Me: Is this AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, this is AT&T....; Me: This is AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes. This is AT&T....; Me: Is this AT&T;? AT&T;: YES! This is AT&T.; May I speak to Mr. Salem please? Me: May I ask who is calling? AT&T;: This is AT&T.; Me: OK, hold on. At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting. Me: Hello? AT&T;: Is this Mr. Salem? Me: May I ask who is calling please? AT&T;: Yes, this is AT&T....; Me: Is this AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, this is AT&T....; Me: This is AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, is this Mr. Salem? Me: Yes, is this AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, sir. Me: The phone company? AT&T;: Yes, sir. Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT;&T;: Yes, sir, we are a phone company. Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T;: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem. Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent. AT&T;: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering. Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T;: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day! Me: 7 days a week? AT&T;: That's right. Me: 365 days a year? AT&T;: Yes, sir. Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow! ! That's amazing! ! AT&T;: We think so! Me: That's quite a sum of money! AT&T;: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up. Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get acash advance? AT&T;: Excuse me? Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T;: What are you talking about? Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T;: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T;? AT&T;: Well, yes, this is AT&T;, sir, but.... Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T;: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.... Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please? ! ? AT&T;: Sir, I don't think that is necessary. Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T;: What? Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T;: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold. So, now AT&T; has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food....... Supervisor: Mr. Salem? Me: Yeth? Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T;) Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is. I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort. Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you. I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone. AT&T;: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan? Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother......... AT&T;: (click) Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............ Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor wouldthere be any "we" in the first place."
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.""How?" asks the man, puzzled."Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"
One day a boy was drowning in a near by lake. A firefighter swam out and pulled the boy up onto the beachand began CPR. A crowed watched as the firefighter frantically pumped on the boys chest. With greatamazement water was pooring from the boys mouth. Each time the firefighter pumped more water came out.
A short time later seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then more water started coming out of the boysmouth. The firefighter feared this would never stop. Just then, a paramedic arrived and quickly ran over to thefirefighter and b lurted out. "Hey Chief! You better get that kids ass out of the water before you pump that lakedry".
Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster thanit does today ? ? We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...
At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?" "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." "Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
"Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other policeman protests. 'While we're doodling,' he points out, 'he is making his getaway.' 'Relax,' says the game-theorist policeman. 'He's got to figure it out too, don't he? '"
- What do you think about the coming battle, General? - God knows it will be lost.- Then why should we go for it? - To find out who is the loser.
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously."What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?""I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't I need you to whip it out by 5:00! Mind if I use your laptop? Put this in my box before you leave. I want it on my desk now! Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid. My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish! It's an entry level position. When do you think you'll be getting off today? It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!
How do spacemen pass the time on long trips ? They play astronauts and crosses !
During the Mexican American War, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances.
Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled, "Hey, Juan!"A soldier jumped up and replied, "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out, "Hey, John!"An American replied, "John isn't here. Is that you Juan?"The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah" . . .
Q. "Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?" A. "Because sheep would be too obvious"
I want to be an astronaut when I grow up.
What high hopes you have !